


Entangled in Sunlight

by JRC10



Category: General Hospital
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-12-26 16:36:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 24,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18286115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JRC10/pseuds/JRC10
Summary: Alexis falls ill. A Julexis story.





	1. Impercipient

Impercipient

__________________________________________

 

"Mom! Stop!" screamed Molly. 

As her heart raced like the pistons of a formula 1 car, Alexis felt her body move of its own accord before she could ever process what was happening. 

"Shit!" Alexis slammed on her brakes. 

I'm going to die, thought Alexis. Molly's going to die. Molly can't die. I can't die. 

Knowing it was too late to stop in time, Alexis veered to the right to avoid colliding with the truck in front of her. Her tires screeched and slid spinning her off the road.

"A tree!" yelled Molly.

No, no, no, no. 

The car stopped feet away from the treeline off the shoulder of the road.

Molly needs to be ok! Please be ok! 

Alexis looked to her right and saw her arm thrown across Molly's chest, as if that would save her from barreling into a semi or a sugar maple tree. 

"Are you ok, Molly?"

"I'm ok! Are you ok?"

"Yes. I'm good. The car is good, too." She put the car in park to catch her breath.

"Mom, you get way too distracted and you drive too fast!"

"I wasn't distracted, I was looking at traffic."

"Yeah, the traffic behind you!"

Alexis rolled her eyes. "He was tailgating me! We're lucking he didn't hit us!"

"I'm worried about you driving in the mountains today. Do you have to go? This snow doesn't look like it's letting up. Conditions are getting worse, and you're not focused."

'I'll be fine. Believe me. I need this trip. Mother nature knows I need this trip and will make sure I get there safe. See, we made it through that without breaking any bones or bumpers.'

"Not convincing."

"Come on. I was supposed to have you back to TJ by nine so you could make it to poli sci on time. You're going to be late now."

"Better late than dead."

Alexis put the car drive and took off slowly. "True. This isn't going to put you off coming to breakfast with me again, is it? I miss you living with me. You and TJ didn't have to go find an apartment quite so fast."

"Yes we did. And, no, it hasn't put me off breakfast with you; we're just taking a Lyft next time."

They drove off leaving thoughts of mortality behind them.


	2. Questionable Priorities

Questionable Priorities

______________________________

 

Julian had a long day at work. As much as he enjoyed the vastly different lifestyle he created for himself, he did miss the more highbrow atmosphere of the MetroCourt. He inhaled the Blanton's Single Barrel Bourbon before taking a drink.

The flavor reminded him of when he and Alexis would meet at the MetroCourt after work for cocktails and dinner. He pushed away the sadness that always threatened to show itself anytime he thought of Alexis.

She'd moved on. He needed to do the same. That was why he was here with the cute, little doctor. Kim was talking about a conversation she had with Oscar's father. Julian winced at the thought of being on a date with his step-grandson's mother. But there really weren't a lot of viable dating options in this town.

A ping sounded and the doors to the elevators opened. The young woman who stepped out made his heart skip a beat. God, she looked like her mother. The same dark hair...the sharp eyes...the same self-assuredness. Too bad Molly had her father's hatred of him.

Not for the first time, Julian thought that girl held the key to his happiness. If he could win Molly over, Alexis would be putty in his hands. Molly was his biggest obstacle to a life with her mother. He just needed some idea of how to get her to see he'd changed.

And not for the first time, he came up empty. 

As much as he wanted Alexis, he didn't deserve her. He hurt her over and over. It wasn't fair to her to be near him. 

Molly stopped to talk for a moment with Lucy Coe, not too far from the bar. Neither Molly nor Lucy looked happy.

Julian turned his focus back to his date.

"Welcome back," she said.

"Sorry, I guess I got distracted, huh?"

"I didn't peg you for an admirer of young, college co-eds."

"What? Molly? Oh, no. No. It's not like that."

"You had quite the look of longing in your eyes."

"I can tell you, it wasn't for Molly.

"Then who was it for?"

Julian tipped his bourbon back and emptied the glass. This was a no win question. Avoidance was the best tactic.

"It was nothing. I was just reminded of something, but it doesn't matter anymore."

"It didn't look like nothing."

Julian shrugged. 

"Who is the girl? Molly?"

Damn it. The truth it was. "Her name is Molly Lansing-Davis."

"Ahh, Davis. As in Alexis Davis. I see the resemblance. Daughter?"

Julian nodded.

"So, your ex-stepdaughter?"

"She hates me."

"Who doesn't hate you in this town?"

"My sister and my lawyer. Maybe my grandson. And Alexis, believe it or not. Aside from that, pretty much everyone hates me."

"Well, add me to the list of people who don't hate you."

"Ha! Well, that's a good thing."

Julian waved at the bartender for second drink. He tried not to listen in as Molly and Lucy walked toward the bar. "I'm worried, too, Molly, but I can't reach her," said Lucy.

"Isn't there a landline in the house?"

"Yes, but it's fiber optic. It runs off the power lines, not traditional phone lines. We know there's a power outage up there. But we would've heard something if she didn't make it up safely."

"You don't know that, Lucy. She was really distracted today. We almost got into an accident this morning. What if she spins off the road on the mountainside? She'd fall off a cliff! You know she's is the worst driver in town!"

"You're jumping to conclusions. She wanted a few days of peace and privacy. She's getting it now, whether she likes it or not. You can't drive up there. The roads will probably be closing soon."

"So, I'm just supposed to worry about her for a few days?"

"I'm sorry, Molly. There's nothing I can do. I'm sure the power will be restored soon. You'll hear from her then."

Julian couldn't help but intervene. "Molly, are you talking about Alexis?"

"It's none of your business!"

"Did she drive up to the mountains in this weather? There's supposed to be a blizzard this weekend."

"She bought a getaway cabin," said Lucy. "Escrow just closed and she wanted some time away."

Julian stood. "And she picked now?! You didn't warn her about the blizzard?"

"I tried calling her, but there's no service and her landline is down."

He had to get to her. He had to make sure she was safe. Molly was right, Alexis was a terrible driver. "Give me the address, Lucy."

"Stay away from my mom, Julian," demanded Molly.

"Really, Molly? You're as worried about her as I am. I Just want to make sure she made it safe."

"I don't think Alexis would want me to give you the address," said Lucy

"Come on, I can make a few phone calls and find out the address without you. Just let me know now so I can get to her faster."

Lucy looked to Molly with a worried expression. 

"Come on, Molly. You have to know I'm not going to hurt her," said Julian.

Molly sighed, then nodded to Lucy.

"Ok, here," said Lucy, as she wrote down an address on a napkin at the bar. "But if she's angry, tell her I was worried about her. And if you get there, make sure she knows there is dry wood under the blue tarp in the garage!"

Julian took the napkin and rushed to the elevator. When he got in and hit the button for the ground floor, his eyes flicked back to Molly. He cringed as he noticed Kim staring at him, brows raised.


	3. Isolation

Isolation

________________________

 

Six hours past and still no fire. The storm seemed stronger than the forecast anticipated, though truthfully, the last time she checked the weather was a couple of days ago. Since the power went out shortly after her arrival, there was no TV or wifi in the place, so she had no idea how long the storm would last. She had a portable heater warming the living room hooked up to a little generator making more noise than the heat was worth.

She intended on having a roaring fire to relax by, but an hour and a half of bringing in soaked wood from outside, and unsuccessfully attempting to get it to catch fire was enough for Alexis. She damn near suffered carbon monoxide poisoning in the process.

She changed into an icy blue, silk nightgown and robe, trying to spoil herself like she never seemed to be able to do at home. She ignored the thoughts that a glass of wine would be a fine way to facilitate the process.

It was just Alexis with her little heater, a handful of candles, a book, and a bag of Ghirardelli chocolate. 

She just wanted a quiet few days away from home. 

Away from the fiasco of the election.

Away from the pressure of her girls. 

Away from alcohol.

And away from Julian and that ninny who reminded her of Carly for some inexplicable reason.

Unfortunately, the price of solitude meant losing some basic amenities. Still, it was a beautiful, cabin, particularly when there was power. It was isolated way up in the mountains. There were no ski slopes nearby or tourist attractions to draw unwanted visitors. 

Alexis reached into the Ghirardelli bag. Her hand felt around for another salted caramel morsel. 

Gone. 

"Hmph." The damn bags must be getting smaller. 

She moved closer to the heater and sat legs crossed. She did her best to clear her mind, focusing on her breath. 

She was going to meditate her way out of feeling cold and stressed. And bored. 

That lasted all of ten minutes in her sugared state. 

Part of her was angry for not bringing booze with her. She could've gotten drunk and no one would know. 

But she didn't. She worked too hard to get this far. And, she'd probably burn the place down trying to start a fire if she was drunk. That was even a distinct possibility when she was sober. 

She shivered, angry that she might have to replace her silk with sweats. 

"Why wouldn't a cabin have a fireplace with a switch?" she grumbled.

She reached to the coffee table where her romance novel lay. She hadn't read for pleasure in a long time. She couldn't remember the last romance novel she touched. She reached for her purse that held her glasses. 

The cover of the book had a man wearing only a pair of jeans hanging low on his hips, button undone. He had that sexy V pointing down toward what lay behind the jeans. 

The cover guy was probably half Julian's age, but Alexis thought Julian wore the V better. She opened the book to chapter 1. 

But reading was hardly pleasurable. As romantic as the candlelight was, she could hardly see the damn words with so little light. 

She squinted, taking in the author's description of Kyler, the mega-billionaire mogul with eyes colored gun-metal gray, and stark, black hair falling to his shoulders. She chuckled picturing the monochromatic features of Kyler. Julian was not monochromatic. Neither was his V. 

And she couldn't help picturing Julian in his jeans, button open... 

Alexis gave up, throwing the book aside. She took off her glasses and shoved them into her purse. 

She lay down on the couch and closed her eyes. She relinquished control of her mind and let it wander wherever it wanted to go. Maybe if she let her thoughts get caught up in Julian, she would get him out of her system. 

She grumbled at how invasive Julian was. He wouldn't even leave her thoughts alone. He just showed up in all her dreams and fantasies, with his amazing abs and that sexy, arrogant smirk. 

And he always delivered. His hands, his mouth...Everything. 

Her hands were on her body, a feeble impersonation of the touch she craved. How many times had she done this in the past couple years? How many times did she imagine being with him just once more? Hearing his whispers of adoration and love. His lips tracing the curves of her body down, down...

"Julian," she mumbled, as her fingers took the place of his absent lips under the silk of her nightgown. She tried to mimic the gentle flicks and subtle teasing he gave before he really tried to devour her. 

"Alexis!" She startled at the sound of her name yelled from outside. Loud knocks were coming from the front door. "Alexis, let me in! It"s freezing out here!"

"Julian?"

"Yes, it's me!"

Talk about invasive, she thought.

She composed herself, closing her robe and shaking away the erotic sensations that filled her moments before. She stepped to the door, and opened it, shocked by the cold blast of wind that threw the door open, pushing her back. 

Julian stepped in, shutting the door behind him.

"What are you doing here?" she said, exasperated. "How the hell did you even know where I was?"

"Thank God you're ok. We were worried you didn't make it."

"Who was worried?"

"Molly and Lucy Coe. I was having a drink at the MetroCourt when I overheard them trying to figure out how to reach you." Julian removed his jacket and stomped the snow off his boots. 

Alexis rolled her eyes. "Lucy wasn't giving me any warnings about snow storms when she was selling this place to me."

"Alexis, what were you thinking coming up here in the middle of winter by yourself?"

"What, you think I should've brought a date?" she asked. He gave her a look that expressed his lack of amusement at her quip. "Why did you come, Julian?"

"Because I was worried your car wouldn't make it up here in the blizzard. You're welcome for risking my life on those icy roads to make sure you were ok, by the way."

She shrugged, "Thank you, but it was unnecessary."

He walked around the room inspecting the lack of lights and the portable heater. "Alexis, did you really think this generator and portable heater would be sufficient for heat during the storm?"

She rolled her eyes, "Of course not. I tried starting a fire, but the wood is soaking wet, and all it did was smoke up the room."

"Lucy said there's wood in the garage."

Still in shock from his arrival, Alexis watched him go to the garage. When he came back in, he brought an armful of dry wood with him. 

"Where did you find that?"

"Under the blue tarp."

She rolled her eyes. 

He piled the wood in the oversized fireplace. He grabbed what looked like a key for a square lock and stuck it in a small hole in the wall near the fireplace. He used a lighter to start the flame, then turned the key to release the gas to ignite the wood.

Alexis tried not to roll her eyes again. It irritated her that she didn't figure out how to do that on her own. She wasn't typically such a damsel.

"Thank you," she said reluctantly.

"You're welcome."

He went back out to grab another armful of wood. He piled it near the fireplace. 

"Would you like some tea or coffee before you go?" she asked. 

He laughed, "I'll have whatever you're having, but just so you know, I'm not going anywhere."

"What do you mean? You're not staying here with me!"

"Where do you think I could possibly go in this blizzard? I barely made it here as it is. The roads were undriveable on the way up; there's no way anyone is making it down these mountains in this storm."

Alexis realized her mouth was hanging open. She closed it quickly. She just walked to the kitchen, grabbed the kettle of tea she'd recently heated from the gas stove and poured Julian a mug. When she came back to the living room, he turned off the generator and put the portable heater aside.

"Here," she handed him the tea. She stepped away to the other side of the living room, fearful of too close a proximity.

He took a drink before setting it down on the coffee table. He turned to Alexis. They stared at each other. She watched his eyes shamelessly travel up and down her body. 

Alexis realized her robe had fallen open. She looked down at the plunging neckline and short hemline of her silky nightgown. The thin fabric didn't hide any of her curves, nor did it hide her nipples that seemed to be begging for his attention.

She looked back to Julian whose eyes were dark and hooded. And even though he was fully dressed, she could see what was happening to his anatomy as his eyes raked over her.

"How long is this storm supposed to last?" she asked, her voice cracking.

"Days." His voice was a low rumble.

Days? She looked Julian over and thought, I can�t last days with him!

"You didn't come here with your boyfriend, the doctor?" he asked.

Alexis was confused, "Boyfriend? David? He was never my boyfriend. We only when out a handful of times."

"Not that guy. I could tell he was nothing to you. You had less chemistry with him than ol' Ted. I'm talking about Dr. Finn."

"Finn's in love with Anna Devane. We commiserate together at AA/NA meetings, or we out having non-alcoholic drinks and cry over the sad state of our lives."

"What?" said Julian, almost angry.

Taking offense to his reaction to her personal life, she bit back, "What does it matter to you?"

"Come on, Alexis. You know exactly why it matters to me."

"Seriously?! After you've been flaunting that hussy all over town?! Making her ridiculous sounding drinks! I bet you were with her at the MetroCourt when you ran into Lucy and Molly!"

The look on his face confirmed it.

"You have some nerve asking me about about bringing a man up here with me!" She took a step toward him.

"Damn it, Alexis! I only started seeing Kim because you and Finn have been going out!"

"I can't have friends now?! Why would you assume we're dating?"

"Why wouldn't I? You keep telling me we're over! That we're never getting back together! You keep telling me how bad I am for you! I thought you moved on!"

"Who said I haven't?!" she was pissed now. She didn't even know why.

"Your body is telling me everything I need to know about how 'over me' you are," he said, staring at her breasts.

"Do you really think I�m going to throw myself at a man who was just on a date with another woman?!"

"A woman I only spent time with because you've been rejecting me for nearly a year!"

"First of all, you spent part of that year in prison! And second, you seemed to enjoy your time with Kim well enough."

"I left her at the bar to come find you!"

She stuttered, "Well...You held a dagger to my throat!"

"To save your life!"

"You put it in danger by killing half the town and making psychotic enemies!"

"Duke was trying to kill me first! Everyone seems to forget that! Besides, I've changed my life. I'm out of that business now!"

"Now you're in the business of servicing any floozy that walks into your pub!"

"I haven't serviced a goddamn woman in nearly a year! I'm jerking off every night to memories of you and how beautiful you looked in that shitty motel, while imagining you having mediocre sex with that flaccid doctor, just holding out hope you might see everything I've done to change my life for you!"

"I never had sex with Finn! Or David! What do you take me for?!"

"Why not?"

"What?"

"Why not? If you were so over me, why didn't you fuck any of them?"

"Because they're not you!" Alexis covered her mouth with her hands, wishing she could take it back.

His eyes narrowed as though he was trying to figure out what she just said.

Alexis turned around and started pacing. "I mean, I'm in AA and I shouldn't be focused on starting a new relationship or anything, and I want to show the girls I'm in control of..."

"You still want me?"

She jumped at the proximity of his voice. She didn't notice him walk up behind her. "It's just that..." she said trailing off.

"Hmm?" he hummed in teasing question. 

She felt his hand on her waist, steadying her. 

"It's just what, Alexis?"

His hand moved against the silk from her waist to her stomach, pulling her back against him. His erection thick and strong against her back.

She thought of the pathetic imitation of his hands that her hands tried to give in the moments before he arrived to the cabin. Her hands and her memories could never live up to the pleasure and intensity of his touch.

He reached down to the hem of her nightgown, pulling it up. His hand rested low on her bare abdomen pressing her against him. The rise and fall of their breath caused friction between their bodies in excruciatingly small movements.

She put her hands on his pulling him tighter against her body. "It never feels this good when I touch myself."

"Oh, Alexis," he groaned. His other hand reach around, slid across the silk, and grabbed her breast, plump and full with arousal. She felt his breath on her neck just before his mouth and tongue caressed the sensitive skin. The hand on her abdomen dipped down beneath her panties, cupping her sex.

She whimpered as she moved her hips grinding forward and back between his hand in front of her and his cock behind her. His fingers split her slit, finding her clitoris pulsing, waiting for his touch. He squeezed it between his fore- and middle-fingers and rubbed up and down.

"You've been touching yourself, thinking about me, Alexis? Were you this wet for me before I even got here?"

She whimpered as he rolled her nipple and gave it a pinch.

"That's the sexiest sound I've ever heard, next to you screaming my name when I make you come."

He dipped his fingers inside her, curving around to find her favorite spot. His fingers moved inside while the heel of his palm massaged her clit.

"I want to hear you say my name when you come. I want you dripping when I lay you on that couch and lap up all this pussy has to give."

A year was a long time to go without this man�s hands on her. Add the arousal built up before Julian showed and Alexis was primed for orgasm. She felt her body tighten and tremble around his fingers. 

"Julian!" she moaned as her body shook in his arms. His hand moved faster as evidence of her climax dripped down her leg.

Before the orgasm was over he turned her around wrapping his arms around her and pulling her in hard. Their mouths met, tongues reaching out for each other. She felt a hand tangle in her hair, pulling tight, keeping her mouth against his. His other arm wrapped around her waist grinding her against him.

He lifted her in that position and carried her to the couch by the fire. He set her down, taking his mouth off her only to remove her nightgown. She sat naked in front of him, legs spread open, still recovering from the last orgasm. The next one already building in anticipation of what was coming.

He knelt on the floor in front of her, put his hands under her ass, grabbing the flesh, and lifting her to his mouth. She jerked at the sensation of his lips sucking her clit. His teeth nipped the bud, making her jerk again. He flicked his tongue up and down. She cried out. Then, he dipped his tongue deep inside, moving it around as though he was getting more pleasure than her.

Julian lifted his head to watch her face. "I missed the taste of you, Alexis. I dream about it. Sometimes, when I'm close to you, I can remember the flavor and all I can think about is eating this pussy."

"Julian!" she had no other words. His mouth was back on her licking long strokes up and down. Flicking her clit, sucking on her lips. And when she came on his mouth, he just kept licking, like he'd never get enough.

Then, he rose up above her and laid her back on the couch. He stripped himself down, then settled between her legs. He cradled her head in his hands and kissed her deeply, passionately. 

As he pushed into her, she heard him whisper, "I love you...I love you, you beautiful woman...I fucking love you."

Overcome with emotion and sensation, all she could say was, "Julian," in a heavy exhale. Julian's orgasm was swift and hard. She kissed down his jaw to his neck. She could feel the vibration of his voice on her lips as she kissed his throat and he bellowed her name.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, savoring the familiar weight of his body. Her face stayed buried in his neck while his body began to relax. He was still inside her when he lifted his head to look in her eyes.

His eyes were smiling. "Can you breathe?" he asked.

"Who needs air?" She was too dazed to care.

He chuckled, supporting his weight on his arms underneath her, relieving pressure on her lungs she didn't realize existed.

She looked in his eyes, their color only a shade lighter than hers, but she felt like she was gazing into the sun. She couldn't stare too long, and when she looked away, their impression stayed with her. But she couldn't resist the light, and her eyes found their way back to his, no matter the damage that might come later.

He dipped his forehead down to hers, still connected in a most intimate way. He kissed her tenderly, sweetly, lovingly. Opening her mouth to his was the only way she could find to close her eyes to his spectacular light.


	4. Denial

Denial

____________________

 

Julian didn't know what woke him. It could have been the growling sound coming from his stomach, or it could have been the scent of heaven enticing him in his dreams. 

He opened his eyes. He was lying on the couch. Alone. A blanket covered his naked body from the waist down. It took him a minute to remember where he was. 

The cabin.

Alexis.

He said upright quickly. A quick glance at the window showed the blizzard raging on. He'd have to turn on the radio later to see when it was anticipated to clear up. Molly was probably worried out of her mind.

Julian was disappointed Alexis wasn't in his arms when he woke. Julian didn't need as much sleep as Alexis, so he was usually up first. He loved that moment of watching her wake, clearing the sleep from her eyes, smiling when she realized she was in his arms.

Julian's stomach growled again. It brought his attention back to the scent in the air. Food. It smelled amazing. 

Shocked ran through him as he realized it had to be Alexis cooking. He jumped off the couch, not believing his logic. He pulled on his briefs and followed the scent to the kitchen. 

He peeked in at the door. Alexis was standing over the stove with a ladle in her hand. She was wearing only her robe. Julian thought it was a good sign she didn't get dressed. 

She dipped her finger into a pot.

"Ouch!" she said, shaking her finger and turning off the stove. 

Julian walked up behind her and put his arms around her. She jumped at his touch, clearly surprised he was awake. Still tense in his arms, he reached for her burned finger and brought it to his lips. He put the finger in his mouth and gently sucked.

Her body relax against him. 

"Mmmm," he said. "That is delicious."

"Taste familiar?"

He nodded into her neck. �That's the pub's chicken soup."

"Indeed, it is."

He laughed, "When I woke to this scent, I nearly had a stroke thinking you were cooking."

"Not cooking. Warming. I brought this from home. Your stomach was being noisy and woke me up. I was hungry, too. I'll get us some bowls."

She made to move, but Julian held her still. He turned her around in his arms and looked down into those dark eyes. They returned his gaze with nervous expression. He bent his head to kiss her. Relief flooded through him when she let him, when she kissed him back.

She gently pulled away. "I'm not the meal, Julian."

"That wasn�t the case a few hours ago."

She flushed, smiling at him. She pulled away to set the table. Julian helped with the silverware.

When their bowls were served, they sat at the corner of the table. Julian waited for Alexis to talk, but she was silent. He wondered if she was embarrassed or ashamed or working herself up to tell him it was all some huge mistake. He decided to wait for her to speak. He didn�t want to facilitate a conversation where he ended up dumped before they were even back together.

Instead, he ate his meal, one of the few she ever made him, and enjoyed what he feared might be the last few minutes of their brief reunion.

As she slurped a spoonful, he noticed her robe was loosening. Her breast was almost exposed. The silk just covered the nipple. 

"Mmmm," he said.

"It's so good, isn't it?" said Alexis, scooping up more.

"So good." He smiled at her lack of awareness of her body and its effect on him. Her enthusiasm for the soup loosened the robe further.

He couldn't help but groan in desire. Alexis looked up at him in surprise. She followed his eyes and she flushed. She moved to cover herself, but Julian grabbed her hand.

"Don't," he smirked, and pulled her hand away. He wasn't going to let her ruin the view.

"Julian," she chided.

"It's been a year, Alexis," he pleaded.

"It's been two hours."

"Still too long." 

She smiled at the grin on his face. 

He ran his fingers over her nipple. When Alexis didn�t react, he gave it a teasing pinch. Her gasp was nearly as arousing as her anatomy.

Julian stood. He pulled Alexis to her feet and crushed his mouth down on her. When she wrapped her arms around him, he lifted her and carried her to the table. He laid her down and tore off her robe. When he plunged into her, her cry ignited him further. He thrust into her over and over. He distantly heard the breaking of ceramic, as their dinner clattered to the floor. 

 

________________________________

 

"The fire in the master bedroom has warmed the room if you want to go in there. I think it will be warmer than out here. The space is smaller, and I have plenty wood to last the night."

Alexis chuckled, "I bet you do." She dropped her gaze to his naked body.

He just winked. 

Alexis wrapped herself in a blanket to brave the cold hallway. Julian was right; the bedroom was warmer than the living room. There was another large fireplace in the master suite. Julian lit candles to spread more light throughout the room. Alexis dropped her blanket before getting into bed.

She lay down, stretching out. A pain in her chest made her cringe. 

"Are you ok? I didn't hurt you on the kitchen table?"

"No, Molly and I had a little scare in the car this morning. I think the seat belt might have bruised my chest."

"Molly said something about that. Come here," he said, as he got into bed. Their naked bodies cuddled together. He gently rubbed where it looked like she was in pain.

"That feels amazing."

"You have no idea," he chuckled. 

"If you enjoy massaging me that much, by all means, continue for as long as you like."

"Do you mean just for tonight? Or do you really mean as long as I like?"

Alexis looked up in his eyes, worried he really wanted an answer. He was smirking. Not serious, then. 

"It's ok, sweetheart. I'll take whatever you give me."

Alexis closed her eyes. She hadn't let herself think beyond the storm. She wasn't ready for the consequences that came with that decision. "This storm is going to be here for a while. Let's just enjoy it before thinking about anything after."

She felt his hand move up to her shoulder. His fingers kneaded the muscle. "You just got tense," he said. "Don't worry about it right now."

"Easy for you to say. I've forgotten how to turn my mind off. And now, I can't use alcohol to help block the worry out either."

"Can I do anything to make the worry go away for you?"

She smiled. "You can distract me with those lips and those hands."

He chuckled, "With pleasure." And he kissed her. Alexis loved the way he kissed her. She could feel in his body the pleasure he got from the kiss. 

His hands complied with her request, firmly grasping the flesh of her ass, pulling her into him. She arched her back pressing her chest against his. His groans of satisfaction thoroughly destroyed any disruptive anxiety thoughts.

His hand moved up her body to her chest. Now she was the one moaning in pleasure. His hands were large; soft when they needed to be, and firm when they didn't. He filled a breast in one of those large hands, massaging and groping.

He hesitated. His lips, his tongue, his hands. Everything froze.

"Julian?"

His hand groped her breast again. But it wasn't the same erotic touch she was used to. And his mouth disconnected from hers. He squeezed again.

"Ouch," she said. It was tender where he squeezed.

"That hurt?"

"A little, why?"

"Sweetheart, I feel a lump here." He lightly traced over the part of her breast he was just manhandling.

"Oh, it's probably from the seat belt. I was almost in an accident with Molly before coming here. It's been tender since then. The seat belt probably left a deep bruise."

Julian moved down her body to inspect the breast. "Alexis, look."

Julian wiped away some discharge from her nipple. Ugh, how embarrassing. Did he have to point it out? "Probably stimulated from the accident and all the squeezing you're doing."

"It hasn't happened before?" said Julian.

"I'm getting older. Things change in my body. It's not a big deal. Look. Feel." Alexis took his hand and rubbed it over part of her nipple. "See, my skin has even changed. It just happens when you get older."

"When's the last time you had a check-up with your doctor?"

"Julian, that is never something a woman wants to here when you're naked in bed with her."

"What? That I care about you, and want to make sure you're healthy and well?"

"No, that you think there is something wrong with me."

"Alexis, you're avoiding my question.

"Fine, I haven't been to the doctor since before we were married."

"Years?"

"And you? When is the last time you've been?"

He shrugged, avoiding the question.

"That's what I thought."

"Just, promise me you'll go to the doctor when you get back to town."

"It's nothing Julian."

"I'm sure it is nothing, Alexis, but wouldn't it be good to have some evidence to throw in my face?"

"Fine, I'll go. I promise." Alexis reached for the blanket to cover up her breast.

"No." Julian pulled it down.

"You're making me self-conscious." Something he'd never done before.

Julian theatrically rolled his eyes. He lowered his lips to her breast and kissed it gently. He licked it and kissed it again. The gesture was more warm and caring than erotic. Alexis cupped his face in her hands. His eyes flicked up to hers, and she smiled at him. He smiled back and kissed his way down her body to try to make her forget what just happened.

_______________________________

 

Julian had never been so unhappy to see a storm clear. And worse yet to see a plow clear the road. 

Two blissful nights with Alexis, with no interruptions, no other people around, no tv, no phones. Only the two of them naked by the warmth of the fire and by the light of flickering candles. Heaven. 

Alexis had her bag packed. Julian cleaned out the fireplace. They cleared out the refrigerator. They'd restored the house back to it's safe, hibernating state, because they both knew Alexis probably wouldn't find the time to come back anytime soon, particularly if she won the election.

Maybe he'd try to steal her away in a couple of weeks. If she'd let him...

After a final run-through of the house, they stood in the front room staring at each other. She had that look of her face she always got when she didn't want to tell him goodbye, but she couldn't keep him around. An expression of tortured love. 

Even though she hadn't said it since they were married, he knew she loved him desperately. 

Julian guessed she was planning on telling him they couldn't keep this up when they went back to Port Charles. He wasn't having it. He grabbed her by the waist and pulled her to him, kissing her deeply. Her moan of pleasure reinforcing his plan.

When they split apart, Julian didn't give her any time or room to end their...he didn't know what to call it...affair?

"Come, I'll follow you down the mountain. Molly is worried sick about you."

"Julian..." Anxiety was painted all over her face.

"Don't, Alexis. Don't. We don't need to make decisions right now. Let's just get down the mountain."

"But..."

He pulled her in for a kiss again, firm and demanding, this time leading her back and pressing her against the wall. He put his body into the kiss. When he broke away, they were breathless.

"We don't work in relationships with other people, Alexis. You don't have to take me back into your life right now, but don't end this yet. Don't put up your walls. We both need this."

He pulled away and walked out to his car, leaving her alone and aroused in the house. A moment later, she came out and locked up the cabin. He watched her get in her car, start the engine, and pull out of the drive Julian cleared for them.

Their drive home was quiet and uneventful. When they pulled into her house he got out to help her carry her bags. He took her suitcase upstairs, getting a thrill being back in their bedroom. 

With everything settled in, Julian had one more thing to say to Alexis before she kicked him out. When he went back downstairs to the living room she was sitting on the couch. He sat down next to her.

"I guess I'll go home and give you some space. You're probably ready for it."

Alexis was staring straight ahead, without saying a word. Julian continued, "Just promise me you're going to see your doctor?"

She turned to look at him and nodded. It wasn't convincing. He was afraid to push her when she looked like that.

"Ok, I'll go." He reached up to her cheek and traced a finger down her jawline before moving to stand.

"I'm not ready to take you back, Julian," she sputtered as he rose to his feet.

"I know," he said. He turned to go.

Her hand grabbed his, stopping him from walking away. He looked down at her in question. Her eyes looked him up and down filled with desire. He understood, no promises, but she wanted him just as badly as he wanted her. He bent down and kissed her. When their lips met, she grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him on top of her.

As they pulled off each other's clothes, all he could think of was how grateful he was it wasn't over between them. He didn't know if they had a future, but they did have that moment. And when she was moaning his name in pleasure, that was all that mattered.


	5. The End and Beginning

The End and Beginning

_____________________________________

 

"Hey, Charlie. I didn't expect to see you here."

Julian was a confident man. Being so sure of himself, awkwardness was a novel experience for him. But that's exactly how he felt contemplating the best way to tell the woman he was dating that he couldn't see her anymore because he was desperately in love with his ex-wife, and that he needed a favor from said woman for the benefit of said ex-wife. 

"Hi, Kim. Sorry for dropping in while you're working, but I really need to talk to you. Do you have a minute? It's important."

"Of course." She lead him down the hall to her office. She sat on the edge of her desk. "What's going on?"

Julian didn't think there was a better way to say it than just ripping off the bandaid. "We can't see each other anymore."

She chuckled. "I'm not surprised, to be honest. The way you tore out of the building on our date after you found out your ex wife was in trouble, I figured something like this might happen. Is she ok? She made it to the cabin safely?"

"She made it fine. We were snowed in for a couple of days."

"And the romance rekindled?"

"Romance was never our problem."

"What was the problem?"

"Bad decisions. By the time I learned to make good decisions, it was too late."

"Not too late from what you're telling me. She's giving you another chance?"

"There's hope for one."

"Then I'm happy for you. Honestly, by the way you two were looking at each other at the bar the other day, I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner."

"Thank you for understanding. We both tried moving on. It's just not in the cards.

Julian took a deep breath preparing himself for the next part of the conversation. 

"Why do I get the feeling that's not all you want to talk to me about?"

"Obvious, huh?"

She nodded smiling. Julian noticed he was having a hard time keeping still. He crossed his arms to keep them from moving.

Julian didn't know how to start. "When Alexis and I were..." He hesitated. "Um...When I was...I noticed..."

Kim put a comforting hand on Julian's shoulder. "What is it?"

He just needed to say it. "I noticed a lump in her breast. Her nipple felt different on the right side; rougher than normal. And she had some discharge coming from it. It was white and kind of bloody. I googled the symptoms, and it potential causes could be infection, cyst, or cancer."

"Julian, your worry for her is making you jump to worst case scenario here."

"The problem is Alexis doesn't seem worried enough. She thinks it's just irritated from a car accident she was in. She said she'd make an appointment with her doctor, but she never did. She said breasts get lumps in them, and her skin is changing as she gets older. But Kim, I know her body. This isn't normal for her."

"I believe you, Julian. But she needs to come in and get some scans done and have an exam."

"I was hoping you could help me with that. Could you have a nurse call her and tell her she's due? I know she hasn't been in for a mammogram in a while. She stopped taking care of herself after we split up. I was hoping you could get her in today or tomorrow."

"I'll see what I can do."

Julian exhaled in relief.

"But you can't tell anyone. It's against hospital policy."

"Scout's honor."

"From what you've told me, you're no Boy Scout. But, I can see you really love her. She's a lucky woman, Charlie."

"I don't know about that. I'll wait for the test results before I start calling her lucky."

"No matter the test results. She's a lucky girl."


	6. Results

Results 

_____________________________

 

Alexis couldn't believe she was being felt up by her ex-husband's...what should she call her?...ex-dating companion. As the younger woman ran the ultrasound device over her breast, Alexis wondered if Kim was silently judging her. Alexis couldn't see Kim's boobs under her lab coat, but she guessed they were perkier than her own. 

She was glad Julian never touched Kim. Or saw her boobs for that matter. She silently groaned the thought that he might choose the perkier boobs without the lumps, and the gross discharge, and the funky skin. 

Wait...he only said he didn't have sex with her. He never said he didn't feel her up. Alexis cringed.

"Are you doing ok, Alexis?" asked Kim. 

"Hmm? Oh, fine."

Alexis waited patiently as Kim took pictures and measurements on the ultrasound screen. 

By the calm way Kim completed the exam, Alexis guessed it was just a hardening of some tissue after the accident, or a benign cyst. "Ok, I think we've got enough images."

Kim wiped the goo off her skin with a warm, wet cloth, and covered Alexis with a towel. "I'm sure the rush I put on your scans will have them back by now. I'm going to review these briefly with the team, and then we can give you a clear picture of what's going on and any next steps to be taken."

"Oh, ok." Alexis was expecting Kim to tell her she's fine and to get more Vitamin E. "Do I make a follow up appointment for that?"

"No. Why don't you just wait in my office? It shouldn't take too long."

Alexis nodded. When Kim left she got dressed quickly. She hated being so vulnerable in front of that woman. When she walked out the door, she bumped into someone.

"Oh, sorry...Julian?"

"Hi." 

"What are you doing here? I didn't tell you I had an ultrasound scheduled," she said. 

He looked guilty. 

"Dr. Nero?"

"Don't blame her, she knows how worried I am."

Alexis rolled her eyes and walked passed him toward Kim's office.

"What happened?" he asked, following behind. 

"Nothing much. I'm waiting for results."

"Good, I'm in time to hear them."

She stopped, "No. You're not coming in with me. There's nothing to hear."

"If there's nothing to hear then you won't have a problem with me coming in with you."

She grumbled and walked the rest of the distance to Kim's office. Julian followed her in, sitting on the seat next to her. 

They sat quietly waiting. Alexis was stewing. She didn't like the idea of Julian and Kim being in the same room. 

A thought hit her. "Julian, did you arrange for this appointment? Is that why the hospital called me? Is that why they did all those scans on me and are rushing the results?"

He tried to hide his guilt. Alexis huffed. 

"Don't be angry, sweetheart."

"Right. Don't be angry you arranged for your perky little girlfriend to feel me up, and inspect every imperfection on my breasts."

"Is that what this is about? Darling, she's not my girlfriend. And she was just doing me a favor because she knows how much I love you and how much I worry about you."

Alexis knew she was pouting, but didn't care. "It must be strange for you to feel these," she gestured to her boobs, "when you have those," she gestured to Kim's empty seat, "to compare them to. I can see why you thought there would be something wrong with mine."

Julian stood and moved in front of Alexis. He leaned over her seat, boxing her in with his hands on her armrests and his legs on either side of hers. Alexis didn't know why it made her so nervous, and so excited.

His voice was low and serious, "There is nothing wrong with the beauty of these girls." He seemed to take a moment to inhale them. "You're the only woman I've looked at or touched since before we were married. I'm sorry you don't feel comfortable with Kim, but she was the only doctor who could see you on such short notice. But I've never laid hands or eyes on her breasts. I've never even kissed the woman. The only woman I want to feel up is you, Alexis." He emphasized his point by tracing his finger around her breast. "And that is exactly what I'm going to do when we leave here." 

He crushed his mouth down on hers.

Alexis was far too aroused to feel ashamed for her insecurities. She just allowed Julian to kiss her wounded pride all better.

A low cough sounded behind Alexis. Dr. Nero had walked in the room. Alexis pulled away, but Julian took his time. A message to Alexis letting her know she was his number one.

"That was a fast consult," said Alexis.

"The team had already reviewed your scans when I brought the ultrasound results. It's pretty clear what is going on and what needs to be done."

"What's the verdict, Dr. Nero?" asked Alexis, smoothing out her blouse.

Kim took a breath before answering. "Alexis, there is a mass in your breast. We need to get it removed as soon as possible."

"Meaning?" asked Julian.

"It's cancer. And it doesn't look good. By the size of the tumor, it's stage three. And...it looks like the cancer might have traveled to some nearby lymph nodes."

"It's spreading? What do we do?" said Julian.

"I'm transferring your care to an oncologist and a surgeon. The surgery should happen in the next couple of days, because shortly after you'll need to start chemotherapy and radiation. You'll need to meet with the surgeon tomorrow to make sure you're prepped, in good enough health, and there are no complicating variables before undergoing the operation..."

A buzzing sound overtook the doctor's voice. Alexis could hear the sound of voices around her, but couldn't make out the words. Kim and Julian kept talking, but all Alexis could think about was the word "cancer."

"Alexis, sweetheart?" said Julian.

"Hmm?" she said, clearing up.

"Talk to me."

Alexis felt disconnected to everything around her. It was as though they were all moving around sluggishly in water, their voices garbled and their movement slow. 

"Cancer?" said Alexis.

"Yes," said Kim.

"Again?"

Kim nodded.

"No, I already had lung cancer. This isn't cancer."

Julian looked worried about her. She wondered why he couldn't see her logic.

"Alexis," said Kim, "I'm sorry. But you have stage three breast cancer."

No. No. She couldn't. It couldn't be. Not again. And her lung cancer was stage two. Did that mean this was worse? "Stage three means it's bad?"

"And spreading."

"I have to have chemo and radiation again?"

"We'll wait until after the surgery. We need you to heal first."

"My breast? Am I going to lose it?"

"It's not for me to say," said Kim. "The oncologist and the surgeon can give you more information on the specifics of treatment."

Alexis looked to Julian. "I don't want to do it again. I already did it. I can't. Chemo? Radiation? I can't do it again.

Julian wrapped his arms around her, "Don't worry about that right now. One step at a time. First the surgery."

"We need to book the pre-op appointment for tomorrow," said Kim.

"No," said Alexis.

"Excuse me?"

"No. I can't tomorrow. I have a speech to give at PCU. I can't."

"Alexis. I'm sorry, but you may want to consider dropping out of the election. You have a difficult road ahead of you."

"Dropping out?"

"Your health is more important than the election, Alexis," said Julian.

Alexis nodded. She knew that was true, but she didn't want people to know what was happening with her. "Yeah. But no. I'm busy this week. Let's do Monday. I can come in Monday."

"This isn't something you should wait on," said Kim. "I'm urging you to do this now."

Alexis looked at the woman in front of her. "I'll be here Monday." And she stood and walked out of the room.

"Alexis that's five days away!" yelled Julian after her.

Alexis swam through the thick air of the hospital to the elevators. She watched as her hand moved in slow motion to press the "down" button to the garage. The light clicked on.

"Alexis!" She heard Julian calling after her. "Alexis." His hands were on her shoulders. "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine."

"Alexis, you need to do what..."

"Monday," she said. "I'm busy this week. I'll deal with this Monday."

"But..."

"Monday."

"Ok. Ok. Just let me take you home. You shouldn't be driving right now."

"But my car is here."

"We'll take your car. I'll come back for mine later."

She nodded. She turned to face the elevator. She could see Julian looking at her incredulously.

"Can I call someone for you? Sam? Molly? Diane?" he asked. 

"No. I'll tell them later. I'll deal with this Monday. I'm too busy right now. Come on, let's go home. I have things to do."

She got in the elevator as it opened, leaving Julian open-mouthed behind her. He barely made it in the car before it closed.

_______________________________

 

Julian sat watching Alexis sleep. She'd already kicked all the blankets off, as she was prone to do. She wore a white, silk nightgown. Her lovely, olive skin contrasted with the fabric beautifully. She looked like an angel. 

Except angels didn't get cancer. 

He needed a drink.

But if she couldn't drink, he wouldn't drink.

He ran his hand over the breast that contained the offending tumor, trying to will the cancer away with his touch. 

"Julian," she mumbled in her sleep. Her nipples tightened under the silk.

"What's going to happen to you?" he whispered. 

What if he lost her? She'd been his reason for living ever since they found each other again. What would he have if he lost her?

Nothing. No one else gave a damn about him. 

How did he get so lucky to have this woman fall for him?

He cupped her face in his hand. In her sleep, she leaned into him. He traced her jawline down to her throat. Her breath drifted over his thumb. 

Her pulse was beating strong and steady in her neck. His fingers sought comfort from the vital rhythm. 

The rise and fall of her chest moved to a slower beat. He moved his hand down to her stomach to feel the expansion and contraction of her diaphragm. A wave-like rhythm. 

He bent down and kissed her diaphragm, a silent thank you for keeping her alive. And then her neck that held her pulse. And then her lips that breathed her air. 

A contented moan broke the silence as the lips he kissed parted and pulled at his own. Her eyes were cracked open watching while he deepened their kiss. He moved over her and between her legs. She was warm and wet when he pressed into her. 

This woman gave him a euphoric sensation he'd never known before. As he slid in and out to the same slow, wave-like rhythm of her diaphragm he felt moments before, he was captivated by the beauty beneath him. His mind was overwhelmed with the reverence she inspired in him. The combination of deep, meaningful love, aesthetic beauty, and physical pleasure gave him a high that could only be described as spiritual. 

He increased his pace to one similar to her racing heart as they neared climax. Her orgasm triggered his. He thudded into her emptying all he had. 

They lay collapsed in each other's arms falling asleep to the new rhythm of their blended heartbeats.


	7. Intrusions

Intrusions 

_________________________________

Julian's weight was making it hard to breathe, waking her out of a deep sleep. He'd never fallen asleep on her in such a literal fashion before. She wormed out from under him. 

Alexis left the room to let him sleep. She went downstairs. She had so much planning to do over the next week. She had to prepare for what was to come. 

She got out a list of things to address: finding a suitable candidate to run in her stead, wrapping up small cases, finding referrals for new attorneys for her larger clients, finding a babysitter for Danny and Scout on Mondays, getting her taxes finished, visiting the girls before the surgery so they didn't suspect anything, she needed a new gardener�

She needed a new will...

She needed to update her advance directive...

She needed to...

She needed a drink...

She grabbed her keys.

 

_______________________________

 

Not again.

 

Not again.

 

I can't do it again

 

I don't want to do it again.

 

I don't want to get sick again.

 

My hair.

 

No.

 

Not my hair.

 

Julian loves my hair.

 

I love my hair.

 

I might die this time. 

 

I'm going to die. 

 

I can't die. 

 

I have to be here for my girls. 

 

My grandbabies. 

 

I won't die. 

 

I might die. 

 

What if I die?

 

Forget about it. Don't think about. 

 

Take another drink. 

 

Another. 

 

I'm still thinking about it. 

 

More. Another. Again. 

 

See, it worked. I'm not even thinking about the slow painful death in front of me. Ugh, the pain! Not again, not again. I don't want to do it again. 

 

Another drink. 

 

It'll be fine. Sam and the kids have Drew. Molly has TJ. Kristina has her inappropriate professor. The girls will have each other. 

 

I'll get Laura to come back and run for mayor. The people have Laura. 

 

And Julian has Ava. 

 

And he has Kim. Another drink. 

 

I need to be happy for him. Tell him to move on. 

 

Damn hussy. 

 

More booze. More. 

 

We're not even together anymore. Tell him we were just fucking. Tell him you don't trust him. Tell him to move on so he won't see you on the chemo. So he won't see you lose your hair. 

 

At least Ric's not here this time. Thank goodness Julian's nothing like Ric, or I might've come home to find Julian going at it with Molly. That would never happen, Molly hates Julian. 

 

Well, Sam hated Ric. It didn't stop them. 

 

Drink. 

 

I'm a fucking mess!

 

Drink. 

 

If I think I'm a mess now, just wait until the chemo and radiation start. 

 

Drink.

 

What if I lose a breast? Or both? 

 

Drink. 

 

Kill me now. Maybe I should consider euthanasia. Save myself from becoming a boobless, hairless, scorned ex-wife. 

 

Who's a drunk to boot. 

 

Drink. 

 

Again. 

 

Another. 

 

_____________________________

 

Pain radiated across her temple waking her. She groaned with her hands on her head. 

"Alexis? Are you awake?"

"No. What's that god awful sound? Are you vacuuming my head?" She kept her eyes closed and curled into a ball. 

"Don't worry about it, sweetheart. Here. Take these for the pain and these to rest."

She felt pills getting placed in her hand. She felt her body being lifted into a sitting position. 

"Put them in your mouth, sweetheart."

She did. She felt a straw at her lips. "Drink up. As much as you can. You're dehydrated. Good girl."

When she was done, the straw disappeared. Gravity shifted, and she lay back. Warm arms wrapped around her pulling her in tight. 

In those arms, the loud sound wasn't so painful. She drifted off again. 

 

_______________________________

 

The heat woke Alexis. Or maybe it was the thirst.

The heat came from behind. She inhaled a pleasant fragrance. Julian.

She opened her eyes to find Julian's arms wrapped around her, spooning her in his warmth. She hummed in contentment, leaning back into him. His arms squeezed her closer.

"Oh God," she said as the previous evening's memories filtered in. "Oh God. What did I do?" She scrambled sit up.

"Sweetheart, it's ok. You're ok. Everything is fine." He sat up next her, his hands on her shoulders.

"No, it's not. I drank. I was drinking. I must have passed out."

"I know. I found you, and brought you to bed."

"My mind was just racing with all these horrible thoughts. I didn't want to face what's going to happen, what might happen. Then, next thing I knew, I was at a liquor store looking for booze."

Julian cupped her cheek with his hand. No judgment, only compassion in his gaze. "Why didn't you tell me you needed a drink?"

"Because we haven't really gotten back together. You shouldn't have to deal with this." Tears filled her eyes. 

"Alexis, you have to know, whether we're together or not, I'll always be here for you."

"I know that. I do. It's just..." she sobbed, covering her face with her hands. Julian pulled her hands down, wiping her tears away. He pleaded with a glance for her to keep talking. Alexis continued, "I guess I just transported myself back to the last time I was diagnosed. I was alone when I found out. I literally had no one. Ric, he..." she trailed off.

"He what? What did Ric do?"

She sobbed. "I came home to tell him I had cancer, and I found him..." she stopped again, afraid to tell him anything bad about his daughter. 

"What, Alexis? You found him what?"

"I found him having sex with another woman."

"What?! Fucking bastard."

Alexis cried harder. 

I'm sorry he did that to you. I can see you loved him and how much it hurt you."

"No, things weren't that great with us. It wasn't that."

"Then what?"

She sniffed. "Jason had broken up with Sam. You didn't know her then, but she was rash and impulsive. She blamed me for Jason leaving her..."

"No." He shook his head. "No. That asshole. He didn't?"

Alexis nodded. "It was Sam. She was so angry with me and so hurt by Jason."

"I better not see that bastard ever again! He treated MY WIFE and MY DAUGHTER...He was a goddamn placeholder for me...That son of a bitch betrayed you and took advantage of her!"

Alexis flinched. Julian seemed to remember he needed to be there for Alexis, because he sighed heavily and brought his attention back to her. "I'm sorry, Alexis. I wasn't there before."

"You couldn't have been."

"It's just awful. You're always there for everyone else. You deserved so much better. You deserve so much better. This time won't be like last time. You have people that are here for you now. People who love you unconditionally."

"I know. I know. I just felt so lost and alone when I heard the diagnosis. I know it wasn't rational. But, Julian, I could die. And no one can come with me when I go. That's the reality of all this."

"You're not going to die. You're going to beat this."

"You can't know that."

"I know your strength. And you've done it before."

"Another reason I drank, fighting this is going to be so hard. Chemo, radiation, surgery. I'm going to get so sick, I'm going to lose my hair, I'm going to be in pain, I might gain weight or lose weight." She looked at him sadly, "I might lose my breasts."

"I'm sorry you're going to have to suffer. But you won't do it alone this time."

"I'm trying to scare you away," she said. "I'm going to be boobless, hairless, and miserable, maybe even to the day I die."

"First of all, you don't know if any of those things are going to happen. And even if they did, I'd be a lucky man to get to love you through it."

"And that's the other thing, Julian. Am I supposed to just forget everything that happened between us because I might be dying? I don't know if I can do that. But, then again, you and the kids are the only people I want to spend whatever time I might have I have left with."

He hugged her close, "I already told you, Alexis, I'm here whether we're together or not. My love for you doesn't just stop. I want to be here when you beat this thing. I want to be here whether you end up with your boobs or without them. You can always buy new ones if you want them. I want to take care of you through your pain. And hair grows back."

"You might not think I'm so sexy in a wig or a rag."

"Don't wear a wig for me. I don't need it. I'll always want you as you are."

Alexis shook her head, "How do you always know how to say everything I need to hear?"

"Is that why you avoided me last night? You knew Id talk you out of drinking?"

Her face dropped and she shrugged. He hugged her tight. She sighed deeply.

"What's that smell?" she asked. It smelled clean. Too clean.

"You got sick in the living room. I had to call a carpet and upholstery cleaner."

Alexis put her head in her hands. How embarrassing! How stupid! She groaned in shame.

"None of that, sweetheart." He pulled her hands away from her face. "You don't get to beat yourself up and feel guilty over this one. You and I are the only ones that know, and I'm judging you."

"I am."

"Then stop. It doesn't help anything."

"Then what, Julian? What is going to help?"

"I don't know. A meeting?"

She grumbled. As anonymous as AA was supposed to be, everyone in town knew her. She couldn't share a relapse.

"Ok, ok," said Julian. "Then a visit with Danny and Scout? Ask Sam if you can steal them, then bring them to the pub and I'll give you all as much ice cream as you can eat."

"You have ice cream at the pub?"

"I will for three of my favorite people."

"Thank you, Julian."

"It's nothing."

She kissed him. "I didn't mean for the ice cream."


	8. Pseudo Acceptance and Sage Advice

Pseudo Acceptance and Sage Advice

 

_________________________________

 

The meeting with the surgeon was not as difficult as she anticipated. Julian held her hand and took notes for her. He even drove her home and cooked her dinner.

But the surgery wasn't what she was afraid of. 

"So three more days," said Julian.

Alexis settled next to him on the couch. "You'd think since I've done this before, I'd know how the hell to handle this. But I don't."

"Take it one step at a time, just like AA. Surgery is the first step."

"That is the second step."

Julian raised an eyebrow, questioning what he missed. 

"I need to learn to deal with the fact that I might die."

"Don't think like that. You just need to decide you're going to get through this."

"And what if I don't?"

"You will."

"Well if the cancer doesn't kill me, something else will eventually. That's the reality of life. I deluded myself into thinking that if I beat the lung cancer, I was home free. Well, I'm not. So whether it's this cancer, or the next, or another illness, or a car accident, I need to except that dying is a part of living."

"Why?"

"Because what if I am doing it wrong? What if there's a right way to do this?"

"Are you telling me you want to learn how to die?"

"I'm telling you I want to learn how to not be terrified of the idea of death."

"A healthy fear of death is a good thing; it keeps you alive."

"The terror I feel about the end of my life is by no means healthy. Julian, all I want to do is drink to drown it out. There has to be a better way to deal with this fear. And I don't think pretending like death isn't real is going to help me get past this."

"What will?"

She lay her head on his shoulder, "I don't know."

 

_______________________________

 

She figured if she was going to find a book on how to die, she might as well go to a used book store. She wanted something she knew someone actually got some use out of. 

The smell of used books was different than the smell of new books. It was like the books took a piece of each of the people who had read them. As she walked through the cookbook section, she could actually smell the scent of cats and dust. 

She made her way to the shelf on self-help. She wondered why looking at self-help books made her feel self-conscious.

She rolled her eyes, "Stop it. Just look for a book on how do die."

She found a section with books titles like Dying with Dignity, The Final Exit, and Do Go Gentle. She thumbed through The Art of Dying. None of this was for her. She'd rather reread Tuesdays with Morrie than any of these.

With an audible shudder she placed the book back on the shelf.

"You looking for books about death?"

Alexis turned to an old woman who, interestingly enough, smelt like cats and dust; though she wasn't holding a cookbook. She had a name tag that read "Rosemary."

Alexis nodded, not wanting to explain further.

"Are you dying, or is it someone you love?"

"Excuse me?" Alexis shook her head in surprise.

"You're right, I guess we're all dying." The old lady laughed at herself. "Well, you don't want to read any of that nonsense if you're worried about death."

"What do you suggest?"

"You don't need a book that teaches you how to die. You need a book that teaches you how to live."

"Oh? And which of these how-to-live books do you suggest?"

"Here you go." Rosemary pulled a book from the bottom shelf and blew a little dust off the top. 

The book was well worn, with creases in the paperback cover and visible rabbit ear bends in the pages. Alexis took the book from Rosemary. She held it in her hand and opened it, running the pages through her fingers like a flip book, as though an illustrated stick figure might pop up and teach her the great mysteries of life and death.

"Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Terror of Death, by Irvin Yalom," read Alexis. 

The lady nodded. "Give it a try, honey."

Alexis shrugged, and thought, Why the hell not?

 

________________________________

 

"What are you reading?" asked Julian, sitting next to Alexis on the couch. 

Alexis didn't tell him he smelled like beer from the pub. He must have spilled some on himself at some point. It didn't bother her. She rarely drank beer, and never craved it. She showed him her "new" book.

"The senile old lady at the bookstore told me it would teach me how to live."

Julian just shrugged. "What's it about?"

"A how-to on death? I don't know." Alexis flipped the page. She read aloud, "Self-awareness is a supreme gift, a treasure as precious as life. This is what makes us human. But it comes with a costly price: the wound of mortality. Our existence is forever shadowed by the knowledge that we will grow, blossom, and, inevitably, diminish and die."

Julian cringed, "That sounds morbid."

Alexis laughed and silently read on. Julian lifted her hair off the back of her neck. He trailed kisses on her neck around to her throat. 

It took all her attention to keep focused on the book. Julian's lips and tongue refused to allow any information to penetrate her brain. She realized she just read the last sentence of the page four times, and had no idea what it said.

She read aloud again, fighting for focus, "Although the physicality of death destroys us, the idea of death saves us."

"What does that mean?"

"He says here, 'The more unlived your life, the greater your death anxiety.'"

"So the more you love life, the less you fear death? I don't get it. Isn't it the opposite?"

"I think he means, the more satisfied you are with how you've lived your life, the better you feel about having to inevitably leave it behind. Live your life so you don't mope at the end about everything you wish you'd done."

"Well, while you're being saved by the idea of death, how about I help you explore a little bit of life?"

Alexis tore away her gaze from the book. Julian was smiling playfully at her. She mirrored his expression, "Well, I've been open to suggestions on life today. Why stop now?"

"Come here. We'll teach ol' Yalom here a thing or two about living."

She tossed the book aside as he pulled her in for a kiss.


	9. Revelation

Revelation

_______________________________

 

The new, live piano at the MetroCourt set a calm and romantic atmosphere. Ned was apparently the one who suggested it to his wife. He thought it helped set a good stage when he brought campaign donors for dinner.

But it was lost on Alexis. The music, chatter, clanking silverware, and noises of the restaurant were drowned out by the sound of tiny popping bubbles. The fizz of the tonic water drew her attention, but it was the vodka in the drink that held her focus. 

Why would someone ruin perfectly good vodka with lime juice and tonic water? she thought. Though, if it didn't ruin her week of sobriety, she'd forgive the bubbles and the citrus for a taste of the Belvedere mixed in. 

Belvedere was a damn good vodka. Even better was Kauffman's soft vodka. A fine Russian vodka. She doubted Carly and Olivia would keep such an exquisite vodka at their place. The stuff of Russian royalty.

Over the intrusive citrus she could smell the vodka. Taste it.

Why not have some? she thought. I might not be alive much longer anyway.

"Mom?"

Alexis startled. "Molly? I didn't realize you were here."

"I noticed. You look like you were having an intimate moment with your neighbor's drink."

Alexis shrugged. She took a sip of her iced tea.

"Mom, why are you torturing yourself sitting at the bar?"

"I'm not torturing myself. There are no tables and I'm waiting for my take-out. Besides, looking at a glass of booze doesn't make me feel miserable, Molly. There are plenty of other things that can accomplish that just fine."

"If it's not the booze, what is it?"

"Nothing," she waved her hand in the air, as though she could just wave the cancer away. "Come. Let me buy you dinner. I heard the new chef serves a nice amuse bouche."

"I can't. I'm meeting Sam." Molly narrowed her eyes at Alexis. "Mom. Are you here to drink?"

"Of course, not. I'm drinking tea."

Molly was still scrutinizing her. "Have you been to a meeting recently?"

Alexis rolled her eyes. She hated being policed by her children. It made her want to drink more.

"Hello you two." Alexis turned around to find her eldest daughter behind her. 

Alexis wrapped an arm around Sam and gave a squeeze. "Hi honey," she said.

"What did I walk in on?" asked Sam. 

"Mom was making love-eyes at a cocktail a few seconds ago," said Molly.

"Molly," Alexis gently scolded.

"Is that true?" asked Sam.

"Of course not. I'm drinking tea. I'm here waiting for my dinner. I'm not planning on going on a bender. You two can stop worrying."

"We worry because we love you."

Alexis exhaled, "And I love you. But I'm fine."

"You didn't look fine when I came in," said Molly.

"What's wrong, Mom?" said Sam.

Alexis tried not to get overwhelmed with frustration, but her tolerance was low. "Nothing. As I already said."

"She's lying," said Molly.

"Mom, you can talk to us," said Sam.

"I don't need to talk," said Alexis. "Because I'm fine. I'd rather hear about my grandchildren."

"Oh my goodness," said Molly.

"What?!" Alexis was agitated now.

Molly lifted a finger to Alexis's face. Alexis felt Molly wipe something moist off her cheek. Tears were falling without her realizing. She hadn't even started treatment yet and the tears were dropping out of nowhere; she wondered what a mess she'd be in a few weeks.

"Mom, you are not ok. Why don't you just tell us what is going on? This isn't like you."

"Girls, please! Just back off for a bit! I'm not drinking, so let it go!"

"Now I'm really concerned," said Sam.

Another voice chimed in from behind Sam, "Hey, what's going on? Alexis, are you ok?"

Julian. It was strange how the sight of him was both comfort and stress, especially in front of her girls.

"Who invited you?" said Molly.

"Molly, please stop. He's just concerned," said Alexis.

"Mom, this guy is the one who drove you to drink! Now isn't the time for him to be around."

"He's also the one who sobered me up. More than once."

"Are you making excuses for him?"

"Molly," interjected Julian, "In light of everything your mother is going through, can you give her a break with the fighting? She doesn't need more stress."

"Julian," said Alexis, exasperated. He must have assumed she told the girls. She shook her head at him. His eyes widened in comprehension.

"What are you talking about?" said Molly. "What is she going through?"

"You know, the election and everything. Give her a break."

"What she's going through is none of your business," said Sam.

"Sam, sweetheart, I care about your mom. I've been through an awful lot with her. I'm just saying hounding her when she is having a bad day isn't the best way to help her."

"Who said we're hounding her?" said Molly. "Were just asking her to be open and honest. She's clearly upset."

"Yeah, you want her to spill her guts in a public place, on your terms. She'll share with you when she's good and ready, and probably somewhere more private."

Julian moved past Molly and Sam to Alexis. He grabbed her by the elbow leading her away. "Alexis, come with me. This piano sounds amazing; I'd like a dance."

"No one else is dancing," she said.

"I don't care," said Julian.

Alexis turned her head back as Julian lead her away. Molly and Sam were staring at her open-mouthed, in shock. Oh, man. She was going to hear about this later.

"Julian," said Alexis, "I don't think this is a good idea."

"I do. There's nowhere to sit, so dancing with me will give you some privacy while we wait for our food. And I was serious, you don't need that stress right now. It isn't good for you."

He pulled her into his arms and swayed back and forth.

"How did you know I was here? I didn't tell you where I was getting us dinner," she said.

"I was chatting with Ava and Scott when I saw you come in." He pointed to Ava's table. Alexis suspected he stopped by to have a drink with his sister. "It looked like the girls were giving you a hard time, so I thought I'd intervene. Take the heat off you a little."

"Thank you, but it will only delay the inevitable heat, and probably increase it because they'll be angry with me for agreeing to dance with you."

He chuckled, "Then it's a good thing they have no idea what we did last night."

She laughed. 

"There's that beautiful smile." The smile faded as quickly as it came. "When are you going to tell the girls about your cancer?"

She shrugged, shaking her head.

"They probably wouldn't be so hard on you if they knew what you were going through."

"I don't want them to worry. They hover when they�re worried."

"They're already worried, and they're already hovering. At least it would be for the right reasons."

"I'm still processing the news. Honestly, Julian, this is something I want to keep private for now. I don't know. Maybe not telling everyone is just denying the reality of the situation, but that's just where I am right now. Youre the only one who knows, and I want to keep it that way for the time being."

"And the mayoral race?"

"I talked to Laura. She's going to come back. Spencer is doing well. We're announcing it after my surgery, not that she knows anything about it. I told her I had to leave for personal reasons. She probably thinks I started drinking again."

"Why announce it in two weeks?"

"So Laura can arrange for Spencer's care, and so I can be camera ready. With the surgery tomorrow I'm going to need a little recovery time."

If this was the end of her life, she didn't want to spend it playing a politician. The cause was worthwhile, but she didn't want it to consume what could potentially be her last moments on Earth.

A wave of panic washed through her at the thought of her ceasing to exist. Outwardly, no one would notice a difference in her, except maybe Julian in how stiff she became.

The thought of only having a few more months to live...to breathe...to love...was debilitating.

Julian started humming along with the piano. The sound of his voice and the the vibrations of his chest brought her out of that moment of terror.

She still had time. There was still time to live.

She listened to his gentle hum.

Alexis relaxed into Julian's hold. If she was going to be scolded by Molly and Sam, she might as well make it worth it. Julian's hand absently wandering up and down her back with the same slow rhythm of their gentle sway. 

Alexis wondered why she'd fought so hard to find a way to live without this man. This man, who would do anything for her. This man, who always found a way to be whatever she needed.

When she was sixteen years old, he was her rebel. Decades later, her grandson's savior. Over the years, he loved her more than any other man ever did. He made her his number one; no one else had ever done that. He had demons to battle, but so did she. He hurt her, but she also hurt him. She nearly killed him twice.

And he was still there. He was always there, loving her like it was his purpose in life.

Julian stilled, his eyes focused over her head. "Oh no. I'm sorry, Alexis. I was just trying to get you out of the interrogation from Molly and Sam. I didn't mean you put us on display."

"What?"

He turned their bodies so Alexis faced the elevator leading to the dining room. Sonny had walked in with Carly and Jason. He was looking at Alexis with the most severe expression of disappointment. 

Whatever, she thought, if I'm dying, these are the arms I want holding me as I go. 

She forced Julian to turn them back around. She rested her head on his chest and she closed her eyes, listening to the music, hoping he would start humming again.

She felt Julian looking down at her. She peeked up before closing her eyes again, catching a surprised smirk on his face. 

"Don't look smug, Julian. You'll only antagonize him."

"If he's this angry seeing me dance with you..."

"...just imagine if he knew what we did last night? Shameful, Julian," she chastised his repeated, silly joke.

He chuckled. "I'm sorry."

"No, you're not."

"I am, sweetheart. I don't want to make this harder for you."

"Sonny's approval of my behavior is of little consequence. Especially now."

"It's not just Sonny. Molly, Sam, half the damn town is here. Ned and Olivia are over there salivating, ready to spin this into a tale of your poor judgment. I'm sorry I didn't realize what I was doing when I asked for this."

"What does it matter what they think? I'm not running for mayor anymore."

"They don't know that."

"They will, soon enough. Just ignore them. All of them." She wanted to get back to where they were a moment before. Alexis took her right hand out of Julian's left and wrapped both arms around him. He followed her lead embracing her, keeping their slow rhythm.

She heard the smile in Julian's voice, "When did we trade places? I thought I was supposed to be convincing you to dance with me."

"I think I just had a revelation. I'm content where I am."

"I'd love to hear about this revelation."

She enjoyed the rise and fall of his chest as he rocked her back and forth. She tried to think of the handful of times they danced together. Not nearly enough for two people as in love as they'd been. "We never got to dance at our wedding," she said.

"I know. I'd have really loved to twirl you around in that dress."

She inhaled deeply. "You smell different, you know. The same, but different."

"I think they changed the formula of my body wash. You don't like it?"

She inhaled again. "I like it. It's just new. Familiar but different."

She felt Julian's nose on her temple as he inhaled. "You still smell like bacon and red vines."

She laughed out loud. Her eyes opened to find Julian smiling down at her. His laugh lines framed his beautiful eyes. His happiness overwhelmed her with joy.

"I want you, Julian."

"You want me?"

She nodded.

�Like you want me to take you to bed, want me? Or, you want me as a permanent fixture in your life, want me?"

"Both."

"Why?"

"Because...my new book is telling me to die at the right time."

Julian�s face contorted, "What the hell does that mean?"

"It means that whether I die of cancer tomorrow, or whether I die of the flu when I'm a hundred years old, I need to make the choices in my life that make me content to have lived it. I want to love my fate, so I need to create a fate I can love. I want you with me. I want to love you without holding back. I'm tired of suppressing the part of my existence that gives me the most vitality because of fear of being hurt again. Or because of fear of letting other people down. My children are all grown, and I'm the only person who is dependent on me for anything. Any risks I take are mine alone. And this risk is worth it."

Julian looked stunned. She noticed he stopped moving even though the piano was still playing. As she watched him, unmoving in her arms, moisture gathered in his eyes. His first movement was to blink back the tears that threatened to fall. His second was to repeat, "The part of your existence that gives you the most vitality?"

"I've never felt more alive than right here in your arms."

His tear fell.

Before she realized he was moving again, his hands were in her hair and his mouth was on hers. The passion they'd hid away in their bedroom was on display for everyone to see. And she didn't care.

This was life!

This was living!

Thank goodness she didn't take that drink, because it would have muted the palpable sensations of being in that moment!

She was breathless when his lips left hers. She yearned to pull him back to her. 

"We need to get out of here," said Julian, with a dark expression. "I need to properly show you just how essential you are to my own vitality."

She smiled in anticipation. "Let's get our food and go home." Alexis ignored all the angry and judgmental glances as Julian escorted her to the bar where their food was waiting. Julian picked it up, leaving cash on the counter, and pulled her toward the elevator.


	10. Existential Wisdom

Existential Wisdom

 

_______________________________

 

Alexis didn't have the energy to read. The surgery wiped her out far more than she anticipated. And the drugs to manage the pain made it hard for her to focus on the words. 

She lay with her head on Julian's lap. He read to her, stroking her head with one hand, absentmindedly running his fingers through her hair, while he held the book in the other. She would miss how he doted on her hair when it inevitably fell out.

"The second form of loneliness," Julian read, "existential isolation, is more profound and stems from the unbridgeable gap between the individual and other people. This gap is a consequence not only of each of us having been thrown alone into existence and having to exit alone, but derives from the fact that each of us inhabits a world fully known only to ourselves."

"Hmm." Alexis thought of her memories. They would die with her. The thought made her despondent. Even though so many of the memories she cherished included Julian and her girls, they wouldn't remember things the same way she did. Her version of reality would be gone forever.

Worse yet, she looked at Julian and realized when she died, no one would know how special he was. No one else had her experience of him. No one had her knowledge of his goodness, his strength, his gentle caring. It would be lost forever.

"What are you thinking?" he asked.

"How final death is. My thoughts. My memories. Gone."

It looked like it hurt Julian to hear her talk about her death. But he said he wanted to be there for her. This was part of the package.

"My experience of the world is so different than everyone else's. My personal world doesn't exist anywhere but my mind. When I die, it will be gone. Forever."

Julian's fingers traced an outline of her face. "I get it. To think this memory of you, laying here, perfect and beautiful, being so philosophical and pensive, will be gone when I die breaks my heart. Even if I wrote everything down. Even if I took pictures. No one will ever understand the depth of my love for you."

She leaned her face into his touch. In all this time, she'd been so focused on her own mortality, that she didn't consider the people around her were marching toward their own deaths. One day, there would be a world without Julian. A painful tear dropped down her cheek.

One day there would be a world without her girls. Without Danny and Scout. 

How precious her time was here with them. The brevity of life, the transiency of life, made it so much more valuable.

There was so much more she wanted to do...

"Tell me what that look on your face is," said Julian.

"I'm terrified I'm going to die before I figure out how to live. I have all these plans. They may never happen. Or they'll happen without me. I feel like I'm grieving a life I might never have."

"What are these plans you have?"

"I want to see Molly graduate college. I want to hug Kristina again, without her being angry with me. I want to see Danny and Scout play sports or go their recitals. I want to see Sam parent teenagers." Julian wiped her tears.

"What else?"

"I want this," she said. "I want you holding me. Loving me. I want to hear your voice reading to me. I want to dance with you at the MetroCourt when no one else is dancing, and everyone is staring. I want to make love to you in the art gallery, or in the back of your car. I want to sneak around with Tristan. I want to sleep in, having bacon with you every morning. I want to feel your love for me over and over and over."

He bent down and kissed her forehead, "I love those plans. I'm going to help you check every box on that list."

"Promise?"

He nodded, "They are as much my dreams as yours."

The thought warmed her. Even though they both experienced existential isolation, at least they could do it together. She smiled at the paradox. 

"Which dreams should we check off first?"

Since Alexis could hardly move from the pain of the surgery, she opted for the easiest one, "Keep reading to me."

He smiled and lifted the book and read on, "Isolation only exists in isolation. Once shared, it evaporates..."


	11. Common Ground

Common Ground

 

______________________________________

 

"Please mommy, can I go down the slide?"

"Danny, it's covered in snow."

"So it will be even more fun!"

Sam regretted walking through the park to get to the restaurant. She hated saying no to Danny, even for something as silly as a slide into some snow. But she needed to get to her mom, and she didn't want Danny cold and wet throughout dinner. 

She wondered how her mom felt about Laura taking back her platform in the mayoral election. The surprise she felt when Laura came to Aurora with Alexis's statement on video and an announcement she'd be taking back over the campaign was painful for Sam. Why wouldn't her mother tell her first?

"Grandpa!" Danny raced off to hug a man sitting on a bench near the path. 

Oh no, thought Sam. 

"Hey, Danny!"

"Are you coming with us to see grandma?"

"Not today, buddy. Hey, how's soccer going?"

"Awesome! I scored a goal!"

"Really? That's amazing!"

"Yeah, and check out this bruise I got sliding into the goalie!"

"Battle scars!"

"Yeah, you should see him. He has a burn on his arm from sliding on the new turf they put in the rec center."

"Ouch."

"Are you coming to my next game, Grandpa?"

"I'd love to, buddy. I'll do my best to try."

Julian looked up a Sam with a pleading expression. It looked like he'd been crying. And not just tears at the shock of seeing Danny, but serious crying. She'd never seen her father shed more than a tear before. 

She looked back to Drew and Scout. "Danny, say goodbye to Grandpa. Daddy is going to take you and Scout to Grandma. Mommy needs to talk to Grandpa."

"Bye, Grandpa! I love you."

"I love you, too, big guy."

Sam watched as Julian hugged Danny tight, like it might not ever happen again. 

"Bye little Scout," Julian said, with a sweet little voice. 

"I'll catch up with you in a minute," Sam told Drew. Drew nodded, took the kids, and left without a word. 

Julian put his head down, avoiding Sam's gaze. That was very unlike him. Whatever horrible things her father had done, he always faced her head on. Probably more out of narcissistic arrogance that he thought he could fix things with her more so than taking responsibility for his actions. 

"You shouldn't get Danny's hopes up," said Sam.

Julian looked up, but continued to avoid Sam's gaze. "I didn't realize that was what I was doing. I'd like to see him play a game sometime."

"I don't trust you with my children."

"Sam, I'd do anything for Danny. I gave him my blood and bones."

"You think I can forget what you did to my mother? And Scout? And me?"

He just shook his head. It looked like the wasn't in the mood to plead his case. Strange for a man who always made excuses for himself. 

And strange for a man who, despite his faults, fervently tried to connect to his family.

"What the hell is going on, Julian?"

"What do you mean, Sam?"

"Something is up with you and mom. You're sitting here crying on a bench by yourself. Mom is dropping out of the mayor's race after she randomly let you back in her life. Something's not right."

Julian finally met her eyes. "I love your mother. I'm not hurting her, if that is what you're thinking."

"I don't know what to think. Why don't you just tell me?"

Julian looked away.

"Is Mom ok?"

Julian hesitated, then said, "Alexis has a lot going on right now. I'm sure she'll talk about it when she's ready."

"That's what you told us before. I'm worried about her, don't you get that?"

"I am, too, Sam," his breath caught and another tear fell. 

"I can't believe she confided in you before her daughters."

"Really, Sam? You don't think there's a reason for that?"

"Clearly you do, so why don't you inform me?"

"Because you girls are so judgmental and harsh. I know your passion to protect Alexis is out of love for her, but you make it hard for her to tell you the truth. How does it feel for you when Alexis gets on your case about your life? She told me the strain it put on your relationship when she did the same to you."

"Are you saying I shouldn't tell my mom she shouldn't be with the man who tried to kill her?"

"I never tried to kill her! And Alexis believes me! She's a smart woman, and berating her about me isn't going to change her mind, it's going to make her withdraw."

"So, you're saying that is what this is all about?"

"No, I'm saying she needs to feel supported and cared for, not judged or criticized."

"And that is something you do for her that none of her daughters do?"

"You tell me, Sam. What do you think? Look, I'm not speaking for Alexis; I'm just sharing my opinion on what I see."

Sam thought to every conversation she had with her mother about Alexis's life and choices over the past two years. Sam couldn't think of the last time she just told her mother she loved her and she would be there for her no matter what.

Sam sat on the bench next to her father.

"Did she relapse? Is that what this is about?"

"It's not my place to say."

"That sounds like a 'yes' to me."

"Don't jump to conclusions, Sam."

"Was there a reason? Was the race getting to her?"

"No, not the campaign. She didn't want to give up the race."

Sam looked around the empty park. Why would Julian be sitting here crying all by himself?

Right around the corner from...

"Are you waiting for Mom?"

He nodded.

"It's not like you to follow her around."

"I didn't think you'd want me with you at dinner."

"So why are you here? Mom's a big girl. She doesn't need a chaperone."

Julian just shook his head.

"You're worried about her, Julian. Is someone after her?"

"No."

"Is she sick?"

"Just go talk to her, Sam." Julian sniffed and wiped a tear from his cheek.

"That's it, isn't it? She's sick."

Julian just exhaled.

"Is the lung cancer back? Be honest with me, please."

"No, it's not in her lungs."

"Not in her lungs? Then where is it?" She grabbed Julian by the sleeve so he would look a her. "Tell me, please."

"It's in her breast."

"What stage?"

"Three."

"Oh God. When did she find out?"

"A few weeks ago."

"That's when she took you back. How bad do things look?"

"It's hard to say. She had surgery two weeks ago. We'll find out more soon."

Sam ran her hands over her face. "Surgery? And she's out and about?"

"She didn't want you girls to suspect anything. And she doesn't want to miss out on any time with you. Just in case."

"That's why you're here? To take care of her? Is that why she took you back? She needed someone to take care of her?"

Julian laughed. "No, Sam. That's not why she took me back. But it's a fortunate consequence."

"Why did she take you back?"

"Because she loves me. And because I love her. She said she wants to spend whatever time she has left with me, be it five months or five decades."

Sam thought she'd feel relief once the pieces of the mystery of her mother's behavior were all in place. But relief was not what she felt. She'd spent too many years without her mother to think of living the rest of her life without her.

And now Julian was a part of her mom's life again. Her mom was setting herself up to be hurt because she was afraid she was going to die. Maybe her mom though she'd die before Julian hurt her again. Or maybe she thought the hurt would be worth it for one last chance with him.

"Are you treating her right?" asked Sam.

Julian gave her a raised eyebrow, as though he was offended by the question.

"Don't hurt her again. I'll kill you myself."

"You wouldn't need to. I'd take care of that myself."

"Why didn't she tell me?"

"She didn't want to worry you girls. You know your mom."

"I wish she'd have given me the chance to be there for her when she found out. I really messed it up last time."

Julian nodded. Sam realized her mother must have told him what happened with Ric. She was surprised Julian didn't throw it in her face the way she did to him with every wrong he ever made. 

Sam remembered the pain and hurt she caused her mother. Shame washed over her and a sob escaped her lips. 

Then a few more.

An arm wrapped around her. She heard Julian give a pained sigh. For a moment, she just wanted to forget all the terrible things her father had done and accept the comfort he gave her. She leaned into his hold, and his arm squeezed her tight. 

Sam understood why Alexis turned to Julian. No matter his faults, he never judged his family. And he was always there for them. He'd always done anything she ever ask of him.

"Is she going to be ok?" asked Sam.

"She better be," said Julian, placing a kiss on Sam's temple. 

"So, I guess I better accept you as a part of her life if I want to help support her?"

"It would make it easier for her. But neither your mother nor I would put that kind of ultimatum on you."

Sam laughed, "You are surprisingly supportive of my anger toward you."

He laughed, "It's mostly justified."

"You've always loved her so much, Julian. I was shocked, and so betrayed, when I found out what you did to her. I never could've imagined you'd hurt her that way."

"Because it was a ruse, Sam. I'd never get violent with Alexis. Hell, I've never even called her a bad name in the worst of our arguments. I've never felt any hostility toward her. I'd die for her. I'd take this cancer from her in a heartbeat if I could. Ever since we found we found each other again, she's been the center of my world. I'm terrified of losing her."

Sam thought of Julian saving her mother from the bullet Olivia Jerome meant for Alexis. Sam remembered Julian catching Alexis when she passed out in court. She remembered Alexis telling Sam about how Julian kept pulling Alexis behind him when Morgan showed up at their cabin with a gun. And she remembered learning of how Alexis ran over Julian when she was drunk, and instead of turning her in, he sobered her up.

This is what made hating Julian so hard. As terrible as he messed up, he'd done a million things to redeem himself.

"I believe you."

She felt him kiss her head again.

"Well, there is no sense in you waiting out here in the cold. Why don't you come eat with us."

He sniffed, composing himself, "I'd love to."

Sam stood, looking down at her father. "Come on, before I start thinking clearly and change my mind."

They walked in silence to the restaurant. 

Sam felt more and more pressure building behind her eyes in anticipation of seeing Alexis. She tried breathing the cold night air slowly to ease the sensation. But when the door opened and she saw her mom with her babies, she lost control. Sobs shook her body watching Danny, who she nearly lost to cancer years before, laughing at the tickles his grandma rained all over him. Sam felt her knees buckling.

Julian pulled her into his chest and held her tight. She cried in her dad's arms in a way she never had before. This man was probably the only person on Earth who could love her mother as much as she did. 

Moments later, a familiar, gentle hand touched her shoulder. She turned to face her mom. 

Alexis held Sam's face and kissed her forehead. 'It's ok, cookie."

Sam shook her head in disagreement. 

Alexis looked back to Scout and Danny, then smiled. "Yes, it is."


	12. Loss of Antagonism

Loss of Antagonism

 

_______________________

 

"Hey, Molly! I have awesome news!"

Molly looked up from her laptop and her Women's Studies paper to find her friend bouncing to her table. "Hi, Evie. What's the news?" She stood to give her a hug.

"Mr. Jerome just promoted me! I'm a manager, now!"

"Really? That's fantastic. You earned it."

"I wondered if you put in a word for me? I know he's crazy in love with your mom."

"No, I didn't. The only conversation I've had with him in the past few months has been about the campaign. I didn't even know he was looking for a manager. I thought he liked running the day-to-day of this place."

"He does, but the last month or two he's been gone all the time. He's been leaving me in charge most nights. I heard he's been hanging out with your mom."

"I figured. My mom's been avoiding me. We've talked on the phone, but we haven't met up. She said she's been busy."

"I bet there was a lot she had to do to switch over her campaign."

"Yes, but that was weeks ago. She's probably just been spending all her time with Julian and she knows I wouldn't approve."

"Yeah, I've heard the rumors about him. But he's been a pretty good boss to me."

"The rumors all true, trust me."

"Ok, well, I better get back to work. The boss just called in an order and asked one of the guys to deliver it. I just wanted to thank you if you were the one that helped me get the promotion."

"You did it all on your own. But, hey, I can take the order to Julian. He's probably with my mom. I should see her anyway."

"Really? That'd be great! We're a little too busy right now to send the bus boy out for deliveries."

"Totally. What address did he want it taken to?"

"Here." She pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket. 

"My mom's place. Of course."

 

______________________________

 

The house was dark.

Molly knocked on the door. 

No answer.

She pulled out her key and let herself in. 

Nothing but quiet.

"Mom?"

No answer.

She brought the food to the kitchen. Since it didn't look like there was anyone home, she put it in the fridge. She walked to the stairs.

"Mom?" she called, again.

Nothing. A sliver of light shown in the hallway.

She walked up the stairs and down the hall toward her mother's room. The door was open. The bedroom was dark, but the light was coming from the master bathroom.

A loud sob broke the silence. Fear coursed through Molly's veins; she rushed into the bathroom afraid Julian might have done something to hurt her mom again.

Molly stood near the large tub taking in the scene in front of her. She stared a few moments and still couldn't figure out what was going on.

Julian was sitting on the floor near the toilet, his back against the wall. Tears streamed down his face. Wrapped up in his arms lay her mother. She was gripping his shirt, sobbing into his chest as he tried to comfort her. 

Vomit and spittle were splattered on the floor and in the toilet. The smell made Molly involuntarily gag. 

Julian's eyes met Molly's as he held her crying mother in his arms.

"Mommy?" she said weakly.

Alexis startled and looked up. "Molly?" She wiped her tears. Though trying not to cry, sobs still racked her body. Alexis tried to stand up, but the act had her gripping her chest in pain.

"No, no, Alexis. Let me get you, sweetheart," said Julian.

Julian stood carrying Alexis in his arms.

"Mom? Are you ok?" Molly didn't know what was happening, but she'd never seen her mother so...fragile.

"I'm fine, cookie. I'm just not feeling great." Her voice was so feeble, Molly could hardly hear her.

"Shhh, Alexis," said Julian. "Let's get you cleaned up and back to bed. If you're feeling better in a while, I asked Evan to bring some soup from the pub. He should be here soon."

"I brought it," said Molly. Her voice felt disconnected from her body. Something was seriously wrong with her mother. "I was at the pub and I heard you had an order coming here. It's in the kitchen."

"Thank you, Molly," he said.

Julian carried Alexis to the bedroom and laid her on the bed.

"Molly, can you get me a warm, wet cloth?" asked Julian.

"Of course." Molly went to the sink and turned on the warm water. She grabbed a washcloth, wet it, and wrung out the excess water. 

When she returned to the bedroom, Julian had already taken off her mother's soiled nightgown and was putting one of his t-shirts on her. Molly tried to look away to respect her mother's modesty, but a large fresh scar on her mom's chest held her attention. Alexis didn't seem to care if Molly watched. Her eyelids were drooping, and she wasn't looking at anything in particular.

When Julian situated her mom, Molly brought him the cloth. She watched as Julian wiped down her mom's face and neck. He folded the cloth and used the other side to wipe the little bit of vomit that had gotten in her hair. When Julian did so, a clump of hair came with the rag. 

Her mom's eyes were closed when Julian finished.

"Will you sit with her?" he asked quietly. 

"Of course," said Molly. Molly took his place next to Alexis on the bed. Her mom was breathing slow, deep breaths, clearly asleep. Julian left to clean up himself and the bathroom.

Molly traced her mom's face; her skin felt cold and clammy. It had only been a month or so since she last saw her mom. What the hell happened? 

"Mommy...Why didn't you tell me?"

Molly watched her mom sleep. She was so peaceful. So different than what she walked in on only minutes before.

After Julian was done in the bathroom, he came into the bedroom with his soiled shirt off. She watched him retrieve one of his shirts from the dresser. It looked like he moved back in.

Julian sat on the other side of the bed, next to Alexis resting against the headboard. Though the room was dark, the bathroom light allowed Molly to see his bloodshot eyes as he turned to watch Alexis sleep.

"What is it?" asked Molly.

"The chemo and radiation are making her sick."

"Cancer?"

He nodded. She lost her breath. 

"Where is it? Her lungs?"

"No. Her breast. It spread to some lymph nodes."

"Is she dying?"

"God, I hope not." Julian's face knotted up. He closed his eyes and his shoulders shook.

"What does that mean?"

"It's too early to know anything, Molly. They're hitting her pretty hard with treatment because it spread so fast. The high doses of chemo and radiation are a lot for her body to handle. But she only has another week and a half of this cycle of treatment."

"And then what?"

"And then they let her body recover, and hope the cancer is gone."

"And if it's not gone?"

"Then they'll probably do it again."

"I saw her scars. Did she have surgery?"

He nodded.

"When?"

"Two weeks before she quit her campaign. There was a large tumor they had to get out. It's in her lymph nodes,too, which is what the chemo and radiation are for."

"And her prognosis?"

"It could go either way."

Molly framed her mother's sleeping face in her hands. Her strong, powerful mother never looked so breakable. It was too much for Molly. She couldn't catch her breath. 

"Why didn't she tell me?"

"She had her reasons."

"She didn't want me to have to deal with this? Or worry about her?"

"That was part of it."

"What's the rest of it?"

"Alexis has always handled this sort of thing alone. It's what she does. It's what she's always done."

"But she told you."

"No, I saw some signs."

"You've been taking care of her? That's why you've been gone from the pub so much."

He nodded.

"Does anyone else know?"

"Sam. She knew something was wrong and badgered me until I told her. Don't be hurt, Molly. It's just who your mom is."

"It wasn't fair of her to keep me in the dark! Finding out like this!"

"It's not fair that your mom has to go through this. None of this has anything to do with fairness. It's was what your mom decided to do. That's all. Don't guilt her for it, please. She doesn't need that."

Molly dipped her head in shame. She didn't mean to make this about her. "I wish she'd let me be here for her."

"Well, you can be now."

"I need to tell Kristina."

"Your mom tried to call her a few times. She doesn't answer."

"She'll answer for me."

Molly watched Julian's eyes close.

"Julian, when is the last time you slept?"

"I sleep when she sleeps. With the nausea, it hasn't been all that much these last couple days. Your mom gets her chemo treatment once a week. The second and third day after the treatment seem to be the worst. This is the third day. I'm hoping tomorrow will be easier."

"Why don't you two get some rest, and I'll stay here tonight if she needs me for anything. I'll sleep in my room."

He opened his eyes acknowledging her with a nod. Molly stood to leave. When she got to the bedroom door, she turned around and looked at her mom.

Julian sank down in the bed next to her, nearly asleep as he settled into place. In her own sleep, Alexis curled into him with a sigh of contentment. Julian's lips rested on her mom's forehead as he drifted off.

As she walked to her room, Molly thought, no wonder her mom didn't want to tell her she was sick. Alexis was probably terrified Molly would pressure her to leave the man taking such loving care of her.

Thoughts of what a life would be like without her mother plagued her for hours, keeping her awake. She couldn't live without her mom. The woman she looked up to more than any other her whole life. She needed to find her motivation to live. 

An idea came to her and had her jumping out of bed...


	13. Love in Earnest

Love in Earnest

 

_____________________________________

 

The most awful taste in her mouth contrasted with the most delicious smell in her nose.

Alexis woke feeling exhausted. Her throat was dry, desperate for water. She laughed to herself; only cancer could make her crave water before coffee in the morning.

She wondered what Julian was making for breakfast. It smelled delicious. She was surprised Julian was cooking after last night. She expected him to be as exhausted as she was. Not to mention, the last few times Julian tried to cook her a meal after a night of vomiting, it just resulted in more vomiting. She thought he'd learned his lesson not to cook anything unless she said she felt like eating.

Thinking of Julian made Alexis feel fervent gratitude. How awful it must be to not only have to clean up vomit day after day, but to watch someone you care about waste away.

It didn't seem to bother him, though. The love never left his eyes, whether he was giving her a sponge bath, cleaning up a mess she made, or making love to her on one of those rare good days.

The thought of making love to Julian made her open her eyes in excitement. She got a decent night's sleep and wasn't feeling nauseous for the first time in days. 

Surprise made her heart palpitate. Julian wasn't making breakfast; she was using him for a pillow! Who was cooking? 

Julian woke with her movement. He smiled at her. "You look good this morning."

"I feel better. Thirsty."

"I see Molly left you water on the nightstand."

Her face dropped, "Molly?"

"You don't remember last night? She brought our food by and walked in on you being sick."

Dread and guilt flushed through Alexis. She didn't remember. All the fears she had about Molly finding out the truth raced through her mind.

"No, no," said Julian, touching the frown on her face. "None of that. I can see you getting all worked up. I talked to Molly last night. She understands and wants to help."

"I can't believe Molly is ok with you sleeping with me, let alone bringing me water while we're laid up together. Don't tell me that smell is her cooking for us, too?"

Julian nodded, "Must be. But give Molly some credit, what she walked in on last night is probably helping her keep her priorities straight."

"What did she walk in on?"

"You were sick, Alexis."

"Not a pretty sight, huh?"

"It scared her."

"The chemo is messing with my memory."

"You were pretty beat by the time she showed last night. Days of getting sick will do that to you. Big Bird could have walked in and you wouldn't remember."

Alexis grabbed the glass of water off the bed and took a long drink. She could feel the water going down to her empty stomach. She hoped she wouldn't lose any of it this morning. 

She took a deep breath. The acidic scent of vomit hung in the air. She wrinkled her nose and tried not to breath in deep again.

"What do you need?" asked Julian.

"A toothbrush. And a shower. Thank goodness I can take one now. Not that I didn't enjoy your sponge baths after the surgery," she said. 

"Not nearly as much as I enjoyed giving them to you. We can still pretend you need them if you want."

"Another day, Nurse Jerome."

"I'll get the shower ready for you. Take your time getting up."

Julian wouldn't allow her to avoid a kiss, no matter how bad her morning, vomit breath was, so she didn't fight it. As he walked to the bathroom, she noticed he slept fully clothed and suspected Molly was to blame for that travesty.

Getting out of bed was getting much easier. Her chest only really hurt when she put strain on it. In the bathroom, Julian was regulating the temperature of the water with one hand, while brushing his teeth with the other. Alexis brushed her own teeth, and was even able to get her shirt off without help.

She was excited to try to take her first shower on her own since the surgery.

But Julian had other ideas. When she got in the water, he followed suit.

"I think I can wash myself today," she said.

"Oh, I'm sure you can. I'm not here because I have to be." He was grinning mischievously. As the water hit her back, Julian wrapped around her front. His fresh, clean mouth connected with hers. 

It saddened her only a moment when she thought about how much he was restraining himself. Before the cancer, he would've already had her nailed against the wall. Now, he kissed her gently, delicately, like she was breakable. And for the first time in her life, she realized she was. 

Instead of ruminating on what was wrong, and on what she lost, she turned her focus to what she had right in front of her. A man willing to give up everything in his life to take care of her. And even though she was losing her hair and was deathly ill, he still found her sexy.

Despite her sadness, she was grateful for his restraint, because she questioned if her body could take more than he gave. When he dropped to his knees in front of her, she moved her back to the wall for support. Her hands tangled in his wet hair as his tongue found her clitoris. 

His mouth was better than coffee. And her orgasm was better than caffeine and creamer combined.

And when he stood up and kissed her, she could taste herself on his tongue. Heeding the doctor's warning about minimizing vaginal intercourse during chemo, he stroked himself off while devouring her mouth. 

Alexis looked down to watch as he came on her stomach, and the water slowly washed it away. In a euphoric daze only he could put her in, she looked up to his eyes trying to figure out a way to tell him exactly what he did to her. But there were no words. And by the look in his eyes, none were needed.

In the state of passionate satisfaction she was left in, it hardly bothered her when Julian washed her hair, and more fell out. That was the power of what he did to her. It wasn't something she knew how to explain. Twelve years previous, the loss of her hair was her breaking point. Now, it hardly mattered. 

She decided she would get it shaved later in the day. After her shower, she tied a scarf over her head before going down to see Molly.

Julian still insisted on helping her downstairs until she got some food in her system, in case she got lightheaded or fell. A surprise was waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs. 

"Kristina?" Alexis had to lean on Julian for support because the sight of her middle daughter nearly knocked her off her feet.

Kristina bounded over to her, embracing her in a bear of a hug. It knocked the wind out of her. 

"Easy, Kristina. She's not one hundred percent quite yet," said Julian. 

"Mom! I'm so sorry! I should've picked up your calls! I should've never been so awful to you! I'm so sorry."

Alexis felt like a missing piece of her soul had been replaced. "I love you, baby. I love you. You hear me? I love you. Nothing else matters."

Alexis fought back her tears, not wanting to worry her girls. 

"You look good this morning, Mom," said Molly who hugged Alexis as soon as Kristina let go. 

"I feel good."

"I made breakfast. Are you hungry?"

Alexis was never hungry on chemo. 

"I made vegan coffee cake."

"Sounds delicious."

Alexis felt her world start spinning. She lost her footing. 

"Sweetheart!" Julian's arms wrapped around her from behind keeping her up. He lifted her and carried her to the sofa. He sat her down next to him to keep his arms secured around her. 

"I'm fine. Just a little lightheaded. I probably need some of that coffee cake."

A worried Molly headed for the kitchen, "I'll bring it now."

Alexis hated drawing attention to her ailments. She leaned her dizzy head against Julian to try to steady herself. 

"So, you two are back together?"

"We are," said Julian. 

"Molly said mom spewed all over you last night."

"Kristina!" Alexis chided. 

Julian shrugged. 

"Thanks for taking care of her, Julian."

Julian kissed Alexis in the temple. "It's my pleasure. Seriously."

A quiet knock sounded at the door. It opened before Kristina could make her way over to see who was there.

"Auntie Krissy!" yelled Danny.

"Danny, my love! Scout! Come here princess!" Kristina smothered her niece and nephew.

"No love for your sister?" asked Sam.

"Yes! Yes! Come here."

Molly set the coffee cake next to Alexis and raced to the new visitors embracing four people at once with her long arms. 

Alexis, overcome with the most beautiful sight in the world, looked to Julian. He smiled at her. "I know, sweetheart. You did that. You made those people."

"Not bad, huh?"

"Not at all."


	14. You Win Some and You...

You Win Some and You...

_______________________________

 

She couldn't lift her shirt up off her head. It got stuck. Part of her wanted to panic. Part of her didn't care and just wanted to fall asleep sitting on the ledge of the bathtub.

"Mom, let me get that for you," said Sam. Sam pulled the blouse over her mother's head. "I'll get your pants, too."

"It doesn't seem fair," said Alexis. Her voice was getting so weak.

"What's not fair?"

"You changing my clothes and giving me baths, and I never got to do the same for you as a baby."

Sam just kissed her mom's cheek.

"I hate Mikkos and Helena. I wish I could've run away with your father."

Alexis was so tired. Her eyes were closing again.

"Mom, why don't you save this bath for another day? You're falling asleep."

"No, I have things to do today. I need to clean up."

"Fine, let me help you in." Sam lowered Alexis into the tub. Her small-framed daughter was stronger than she looked.

"Thank you, baby. Your father needed this break. I worry this is too much for him." Alexis sunk to her shoulders, laying back against the wall. The warm water was so comfortable.

"Are you kidding? Dad can't get enough of you."

"I love to hear you call him Dad. He won you over?"

Alexis could see Sam shrug as her eyes started to close.

"Good girl, Sam. He's going to need you when I die."

"You're not going to die, Mom."

"Right, right."

And she was overcome by sleep.

 

_________________________________

 

"Dad! Is that you? Can you come up?"

Julian ran upstairs at the sound of Sam's voice. He didn't even have time to take off his coat.

"Is she ok?"

"She's fine. I didn't mean to worry you."

Julian saw Alexis soaking in the bathtub, asleep. Sam was painting her nails over the ledge.

"How has she been?"

"Fine. Sleepy."

"I think it's the pain killers. And the vomiting. It wears her out. I didn't realize she wanted a bath."

"She said she had things to do today."

"Like what?"

Sam shrugged. "I was going to wake her to get her out of the tub, but I heard you come in. I thought you could just lift her so she could sleep."

Julian smiled at his daughter. "Do you want me to move her now? Or do you have more nails to do?"

"I'm done. They should be dry."

Julian removed his jacket. He rolled up his sleeves and reached down for Alexis. He noticed Sam getting a towel ready for her. Lifting Alexis was getting far too easy. She'd become so dependent on him to maneuver her that his arms were becoming as used to carrying her as they were his keys and cell phone. She had also lost an absurd amount of weight. 

Sam dried her and bundled her in his arms. Julian took her to bed to lay her down. Sam brought him a nightgown to put on Alexis. He wrapped the blankets around her, tucking her in. He got in bed, leaning against the headboard, and stroked her head.

He missed her hair.

A soft cry sounded next to the bed. He hated seeing his daughter in pain.

"Come here," he said, patting the bed next to him. Sam came over and sat with Julian. He put his arm around her as she cried into his shoulder. "Talk to me, sweetheart."

"I don't want her to die. And I don't want her to suffer."

"Me, too, kiddo."

"She's the strongest person I know, and she can't even take a bath by herself."

Julian felt the tears drip down his cheeks.

"But if she dies," Sam hesitated before going on, "at least she wouldn't be suffering. God, I feel so guilty for saying that!"

"Don't feel guilty. I think the same thing sometimes."

"How do you do it, Dad? How do you watch the person you love most in the world waste away in pain, slowly dying? I couldn't do it. I couldn't watch this happen to Drew. I feel like such a coward."

She sobbed. Julian felt his own shoulders shaking. When he calmed enough to trust himself to speak, he said, "Because when I look at Alexis, I see the woman she's always been. I see the woman who had faith in me when no one else did, who deserves to be treated like the angel she is."

"You're a better man than I've ever given you credit for." Sam's body kept shuddering in grief. Julian kissed her temple.

"How can a handful of cancer cells do this to her?"

"It's not the cancer doing this to her, Sam. It's the treatment. It's poison to her body. We're just hoping it kills the cancer before it kills her."

"I'm so sorry, Mom. I'm so sorry for every time I yelled at you. Every time I pulled away. I'm sorry for pushing you away from Dad. I'm sorry Mikkos took me away from you. I'm sorry about Ric."

"It's ok, kiddo," said Julian. "She loves you so much. She just wants you happy."

"She deserved better than what I gave her."

"You did perfect, sweetheart. Perfect."

"I swear to God. I'll do better if she gets another chance. I'll be a better daughter."

"You're a perfect daughter. Trust me. I know."

"I don't want my mom to leave me. I don't want her to go. I need my mom."

"I know. I need her, too."

Julian held his daughter in one arm, and his love in the other. They cried themselves to sleep.

 

__________________________________

 

Alexis stood over Sam and Julian with her phone. She took a picture of the father and daughter in a rare moment of closeness. She felt stronger and more alert after the drugs wore off. She put on a robe and made her way downstairs.

As she went to go sit on the couch, she was stopped by a knock at the door. She didn't really want to spend the energy walking back to door. She was thinking it would be less work to yell for them to come in, but it might wake Sam and Julian. After a couple of knocks, the door opened on it's own. 

"Diane?"

"Oh my God," Diane laid eyes on her best friend's bald head. "I can't believe you kept this a secret from me."

"It's out now."

"Yes, it is." Diane walked to Alexis and hugged her. "How're feeling, counselor?"

"Weak. Come sit." Alexis led Diane to sit with her on the couch. "Did you bring it?"

"I did, as requested." Diane pulled out a manila folder and handed it to Alexis. Alexis opened it to review the changes she asked her lawyer to make.

"Perfect."

"So Julian gets the house?"

Alexis nodded. "He built it for me. It's his home.

"Well, this silly document isn't going to mean anything, because you're going to beat this. Aren't you?"

Alexis smiled. "Of course. But always be prepared."

"I love you, sister."

"I love you, too. Now, did you bring me something to wear?"

"Yes, three sizes too small, as requested. I thought you had to be lying about the weight loss."

"I wish I was."

"Can I get some of that chemo? Without the cancer though."

"The six-week chemo crash diet. It's the new rage."

Footsteps coming down the stairs startled Diane. "Hello," said Julian.

Diane gave him a dirty look. Alexis just smiled, happy to see Julian. She didn't know how many more times she get to see him in her life, and that made every time a thrill.

Julian only had eyes for Alexis. "You look good. I didn't hear you get up." He embraced her, holding her head in his hands, kissing her lips.

"You're tired. You need more rest." He had bags under his eyes.

"Well," said Diane, "I'm due in court. Sign that for me, and I'll be on my way."

"Thank you, Diane."

"I'm always good for a legal document and couture."

She kissed Alexis before making her way out the door.

"Busy today?" asked Julian.

"I have plans, yes."

"Are you going to share them with me?"

We're going to a party."

Julian shook his head. "A party? Whose?"

Alexis just winked.

 

_________________________________________________

 

"Are you sure you're up for this?" Julian asked. "This morning you couldn't even stay awake in the bath."

"Well, I slept most of the day, so as long we don't stay too long, I think I'll be fine."

"We definitely won't be staying long."

Julian stepped out of his car and walked around to the passenger door. He opened it and helped Alexis to her feet. He admired the dress Diane brought her friend, though he couldn�t wait for the day Alexis put on a few more pounds. She wore a black and gold scarf around her head to match the dress.

"I called Evie; she reserved a table for us in this madhouse."

Julian opened the door to his pub. He expected the pub to be full, but he didn't expect it to be beyond the fire marshal's capacity. There were so many people, he was afraid to let Alexis walk in for fear of someone knocking her over. 

"No, Julian, you aren't carrying me." She must have read his thoughts.

"But, sweetheart�"

"No."

Julian took a deep breath and pulled Alexis in close to him. He threw an arm out in front of her, carving a space for her to walk untouched. He escorted her to the reserved table, right next to the makeshift stage his staff set up for the occasion.

"Alexis!" Laura called to her. Laura Spencer separated herself from a large group and came to Alexis, embracing her.

"Laura, I'm thrilled you won. Congratulations!"

"You drove so much of this work. I'm so glad you agreed to be my guest of honor and do my introduction."

"Congratulations, Laura," said Julian.

"Thank you. And thanks for letting us use Charlie's for this celebration."

"Of course. Look, Alexis shouldn't stay too long."

"I understand. Let me have them get the stage ready for her introduction, then you can leave whenever you like."

Julian nodded.

"Julian, your expression looks like you voted for Ned. Cheer up. We won."

"As happy as I am for Port Charles, and happier still that Ted lost, I'm more concerned about you."

Alexis put her arms around his waist, smiling at him. "I'm good."

He embraced her and kissed her gently. "Good is an understatement." He kissed her again.

"Jerome, does Alexis know you're kissing on other women in public?" The sound of the most irritating voice in Port Charles rang through Julian's ears. The awful sound was tempered only by Alexis laughing in his arms. Julian found himself chuckling, too, and kissed her again, this time far more theatrically.

"You think that's funny, Julian?" said Sonny Corinthos.

Alexis turned around in Julian's arms facing Sonny. Sonny froze realizing who the rail thin woman with the headscarf was in Julian's arms.

"Alexis?"

She smiled.

"I didn't recognize you," he said.

"You don't like my new look?" she teased. "Julian is fond of it."

"Kristina told me about the cancer. I didn't realize..."

"That it was so bad?"

He nodded.

"Be kind to Julian. He's been a Godsend to me."

"For your sake, I'll avoid him."

"Thank you."

"And congratulations on the win. I hear you're giving a speech."

"A brief introduction for Laura, that's all."

Sonny kissed her on the cheek. "If you need anything...anything...call me."

"Thank you."

As Sonny walked away, Julian mumbled, "She's got everything she needs right here."

"Alexis, are you ready?" asked Laura.

"As I'll ever be."

Julian walked her up the stage to the podium. He made sure she was steady before he stepped back. From this vantage, he could see most of the room. The Corinthos family, half the Quartermaines, the Scorpios, the Ashfords, the Webbers, and the Spencer family filled half the restaurant. The press and cameras filled the other half.

As Alexis prepared to give her speech, camera lights flickered. Julian worried they would overstimulate her.

"Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen and Citizens of Port Charles. For those of you that don't recognize me with my new look, my name is Alexis Davis. I stepped in briefly for Laura Spencer when we were unsure if she would be able to continue her bid for mayor. 

"As you can see, I had to step aside for health concerns. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I only had one thought about who could lead this platform and this town without personal ambition or greed. Only one person came to mind when I thought of who would speak for the people of Charles Street being cast out of their homes. Only one person came to mind who could inspire a town to make moral choices instead of self-serving ones.

"That person was Laura Spencer. I had such confidence in Laura's character and ability to lead this campaign and this town, that I was able to step aside and focus solely on my treatment and recovery. 

"Thank you, Laura, for coming back, and being the person this town needs. The person that I needed to be able to sleep well at night knowing Charles Street and the people who live here will be protected and supported.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I have the pleasure to be the first to introduce Mayor Laura Spencer!"

Laura stepped up to Alexis, gave her a hug, then took over the podium. As Alexis stepped back to Julian, he noticed how pale she looked. He saw her eyes roll showing only the whites. 

Julian moved quickly, wrapping his arms around Alexis, holding her upright. With everyone's attention on Laura, Julian was able to move her to their table.

"Alexis? Talk to me, sweetheart."

Her eyes were closed and she was unresponsive. 

"Alexis? Come on. Wake up."

"What happened?" asked Sonny coming up from behind.

"I need to get her to the hospital. Now."


	15. Staring at the Sun

Staring at the Sun

 

____________________________

 

Le soleil ni la mort ne se peuvent regarder fixement. - François de La Rochefoucauld

 

Terror.

The only thing he felt was terror.

Alexis was too far away. He couldn't feel her heartbeat. He couldn't reassure himself with her warmth. He needed to feel her breath on his lips.

That stupid book was wrong. Entirely wrong. It said death anxiety was inversely related to the quality of life lived. Well, his time with Alexis was the best of his life. It didn't get more quality than that. If he lost her...

No...He couldn't think like that.

NO! NO! NO!

She'd be fine. He had to tell himself she'd be fine. 

She was fine!

He stood. But he had nowhere to go. So he paced.

Julian couldn't understand how he could live with his heart ripped out of his chest. They had taken his heart on a gurney down to radiology and were getting it scanned and tested.

"Why is it taking so long!?" he yelled at no one in particular. The waiting room of the hospital was mostly empty.

The only other person around was Sonny, and thankfully he kept a good distance. The only reason Julian let him stick around was because Alexis wouldn't hate it if he was there.

"Mr. Jerome?" Nurse Webber approached him like a timid mouse. She was afraid of him. Julian deflated. He didn't want to scare the people helping Alexis.

He took breath. "Alexis?"

"She's still getting scans done."

"She's breathing?"

Elizabeth smiled, "Here at the hospital we don't do scans on people who aren't breathing."

That got a small smile out of him. 

"She's still not conscious, though. You're shaking. Is there something I can get you?"

"Just Alexis."

"She'll be back soon. How about Ava? Or Sam?"

He shook his head, "Alexis wouldn't want that. She'd keep things quiet."

"Alexis would want you to have support, even if that meant Ava. And Sam is her daughter."

Julian rubbed his face in his hands. "She wouldn't want to worry Sam."

"Dad!" Sam's voice was behind him. Julian look accusingly at Elizabeth.

"I didn't call her," said Elizabeth.

"Sonny called," said Sam. "How's Mom? Elizabeth, what's going on?"

"We're not quite certain, yet. She is getting some scans done. She appeared dehydrated with the contrast of low blood pressure and high heart rate. We had a hard time finding a vein for an IV. Her vitals stabilized with fluids. Typically, we expect our patients to regain consciousness at that point, but since she didn't wake, they're completing scans to make sure the cancer hasn't spread somewhere that would cause additional problems."

"What does that mean? You think the cancer moved somewhere else?"

"Not necessarily. She could just be exhausted. From what your dad was telling us, she had a busy day. Her body might just be forcing her to get some much needed rest. We won't know until we get test results."

"When will we get the results?"

"Very soon."

Julian felt too hot. He chest was hurting and he couldn't gain control of his breath. There was only one other time in his life when he felt this scared; that was when he thought Alexis, Molly, and Danny were killed in the lake house explosion. Julian moved to the wall, resting his head against the tile, trying to find a way to cool himself down. He didn't want Sam to see him this way. Alexis wouldn't want her to worry.

Movement next to him startled him. Sam leaned her back against the wall next to him.

"Im sorry, Sam. I should have made her drink more water. She was afraid to get sick during her speech so she didn't have enough. That's probably all this is. She was just tired and dehydrated."

Sam nodded. "It sounds like something Mom would do. It's not your fault."

That's all it was. That's what it had to be.

Because it couldn't be the alternative.

"What if that's not it, Dad? What if the cancer spread to her brain, or her heart, or her lungs? What if we don't get her back?"

Julian shook his head against wall. No, no, no, no.

He dropped to his knees on the floor. He couldn't stop shaking. He couldn't stop the tears.

"Dad!" Julian felt Sam's arms around him, but he couldn't stop shaking. 

"I can't, Sam. I can't. I don't want this life without her. I need her. She's the one who made my life worth living. Even when I didn't deserve her, she was there. Over and over. She saved me. Her love for me made me better."

"Her love made us all better."

"I won't live in a world without her. I won't, Sam. I won't do it."

And Julian realized, the whole time he was trying help Alexis live, he was avoiding the reality that one day she'd die. It was an unacceptable truth.

And his world was crushed.

 

____________________________________________

 

The light was too bright. Who could sleep with all that light?

The heat was nice. It was soothing and comforting.

But it was the scent that made her smile.

Julian. He was spooning her from behind. One of his hands rested on her neck as though he was monitoring her pulse. Opening her eyes was painful with the florescence. She turned her body into Julian to hide from the bright light.

Wait. Why were they sleeping in florescent light?

She forced her eyes open. Julian's smiling eyes were staring back at her.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi. Where are we?"

Before he answered his lips pressed against hers. She felt his need for more in that kiss, be he held his restraint. As much as she enjoyed kissing Julian, she pulled away.

"Julian?"

"We're in the hospital. You passed out at Laura's party."

"I remember the speech, but nothing after. Why did I pass out?"

He smiled. "You were dehydrated."

"How embarrassing."

She watched Julian grin ear-to-ear.

"Why are you smiling like that?"

"I have some news." Julian paused for anticipation. "Results came back from your scans."

"And?"

"It's shrinking. The cancer is going away. The chemo and radiation are working. You're going to need another round, but the doctors are hopeful."

"Really? It looks good? I might beat this?"

"You�re going to beat this."

The expression of joy on Julian's face started filling her heart with hope.

"The girls? Do they know?"

Julian nodded. "They're waiting outside."

"The treatment won't be fun, but it will be a lot easier knowing it's actually working."

Julian nodded. 

"We did it, Julian. You helped me to do this."

He kissed her again, and this time, she didn't pull away.


	16. Vitality

Vitality

_________________________

 

Julian was unpacking their bags for their week-long trip to the cabin. He shook his head. By the way Alexis packed, you would think they were staying a month. Julian had every intention of foiling her plans to wear half of these clothes. Last year, during the blizzard, the only time they wore anything in the cabin is when they left it. 

He rolled his eyes at some of the stuff she put in her bag. Ghiradelli Chocolate? A romance novel? He looked at the half-naked man on the cover unimpressed. He wanted to make sure Alexis didn�t need to read the romance novel while she was him.

He tossed it aside. And yet again, there was another book in the suitcase. It was beat-up and hard-worn. 

"Why did you bring this book up here?" Julian flipped through the Yalom book Alexis bought the previous year when she had cancer.

"I plan on donating it to the used book store just down the mountain. I guess I'm hoping someone gets something out of it again."

Alexis warmed herself by the fire Julian started in the master suite.

"Good, I was worried you were going to tell me you needed it again," he said with a shiver.

"Not quite yet. My last scans came back clear, as you well know."

"Thank goodness." Julian dropped the rest of the contents of the suitcase and moved to Alexis near the fireplace. He pulled her in for a kiss. "You know. I think you're due for another screening."

"I just went to my doctor two weeks ago."

Julian smiled, "I meant a home screening." His hands traveled under her shirt up to her breasts. He liked the way it made her squirm against him.

"You're very thorough, Dr. Jerome."

"You have no idea."

He lifted her up and tossed her on the bed. He had every intention of examining every inch of that woman's body over the next few hours. As he kissed down her navel, he cherished the moment, knowing just how special it was.


End file.
